You know how this works by now. Deaf To All But Metal is the ongoing series where we review albums we haven't listened to. This time, we're taking a look at the current UK Top 40 albums. We're not going to listen to them, but here is everything you need to know about them.
If I Can Dream - Elvis Presley With The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra
Image Credit: independent.co.uk
This is a baffling new entry into the album charts. Like rock 'n' roll, common decency and Paul Walker, Elvis has been dead for a while now. What's intriguing then is how good the reanimated zombie corpse of Elvis can still sing. It was a controversial decision to bring life to the dead when this project was announced. People were equally outraged, overjoyed and confused as to how much putrefied flesh would still be stuck to The King's old bones. Gladly, his voice box and powerful lungs have stood the tests of time and maggots. Like Jail-House Rock before it, expect this album to put the King back on his throne. Fun fact, if you listen carefully on on the thirteenth track, An American Trilogy, you can hear Zombie Elvis breaking free of his restraints and eating a cellist. There's a little skip in the music before the screaming, but it's still audible.
Ben Haenow - Ben Haenow
Image Credit: wikipedia.org
You can really hear the tired old gears of the shit pop manufacturing machine grinding over every track of this album. And that isn't a metaphor. Rumour has it that all X Factor winners since 2009 have been artificially created in an advanced robotics laboratory to be as inoffensive and bland as possible. The only problem is that Ben Heynowcalmdown is a part of the first and only batch of these synthetic pop stars that were ever produced. You see, given that you, the general public, are stupid enough to keep watching X Factor and buying the winners singles and albums, SyCo Productions have only needed one batch of talentless prickbots to last them over ten years of programming. And judging by the tired sound of creaking, rusty gears over every uninspired pop not-classic on this disc, I'm willing to bet that the warehouse where these RoboCunts are kept has a leaky ceiling. Also, the lyrics are a bit shit.
The Hank Williams Songbook - Daniel O'Donnell
Image Credit: demonmusicgroup.co.uk
The very fact that this album is in the charts means one of two things. Either your gran has finally figured out how to work the computer or Tesco's Black Friday sale is painfully disappointing. And if it's the former, it's time to delete your internet history before she finds out what kind of kinky shit you're into. That being said, this album is a scorcher. O'Donnell's jams are some of the freshest and rawest we've heard this year. It's a Hank Williams cover album, sure, but nobody expected Daniel to make them into grimy hip-hop masterpieces. You haven't lived until you've heard I Can't Help It (If I'm A Real N*gga From Compton). Expect this to be as big as Drake or The Weeknd come early next year. A promising young talent indeed.
Purpose - Justin Bieber
Image Credit: defjam.com
This album serves none. A better use of your time and money would be to chuck a tenner in the bin and throw your head onto the pointy end of a rail-road spike. Still better than Baby, though.
Christmas - Michael Buble
Image Credit: wmg-is.com
This album being in the Top 40 in December AGAIN is infuriating. Let's get one thing straight: Traditional Christmas songs are fucking boring. They always have been, they always will be. They were born out of the most boring holiday from the most boring religion on Earth, that was primarily celebrated by boring people from boring households to celebrate the boring birth of a boring son of the most boring God ever described by a classic work of fiction. Just because this daft eared cunt turns them into swing songs doesn't make them any less shit. Don't buy into this shit. Associate whatever the fuck song you like with Christmas. Make memories, love your families, kiss that girl or guy under the mistletoe. You don't need this music to tell you that it's winter and therefore you should be constantly happy and spending money you don't have for shit your friends and families don't need. Fucking live your lives your own way for once, for fucks sake.
However, the cover makes it look like he's farting on that present. 11/10, best album ever.
There will be more Deaf To All But Metal in the near future. Keep 'em peeled.
However, the cover makes it look like he's farting on that present. 11/10, best album ever.
There will be more Deaf To All But Metal in the near future. Keep 'em peeled.
By Mike Owen
@ThatMikeOwen
The Editor in Chief of Foul Entertainment, Mike edits most of what you see on the site. He runs the production of our podcasts, and currently pens Pop Culture Club and The Death of Video Games
@ThatMikeOwen
The Editor in Chief of Foul Entertainment, Mike edits most of what you see on the site. He runs the production of our podcasts, and currently pens Pop Culture Club and The Death of Video Games