Opinions are like assholes; the internet is full of them. Social media and comment sections are rife with people having no idea what they’re talking about, on topics which they’re only aware of since a catchy hashtag began trending on Twitter. Such ramblings are akin to reviewing things you are ignorant to; a film you haven’t seen, a hooker you haven’t slept with, an album you haven’t heard. That’s where we come in.
Nicky Minaj – Pink Friday
Image Credit: amazon.com
A few weeks ago I drunkenly stumbled onto an airport runway and was subsequently ran over by a speeding plane. My limbs were instantly crushed and it felt as though I was being torn to pieces by a giant industrial sander. My body was ripped apart like wet tissue paper and I was declared dead on site. At least this is what it felt like the first time I heard Nicky Minaj – Pink Friday. I’ve had more interesting experiences in hospital waiting rooms than I did listening to this album. I’ve seen better musicianship from piss heads singing Chumbawumba on a karaoke and I’ve seen better lyrics written in shit on toilet walls. There is not many things I’d rather avoid than this album. For example, here is a list of incurable diseases I’d rather have than ever listen to a Nicky Minaj song again.
Cthu-Lou Reid – Songs From The Sunken City Of R’lyeh
Image Credit: fckyeahhplovecraft.tumblr.com
No review of albums I’ve never heard would be complete without a good old parody band. Is Cthu-Lou Reid even real? Maybe. You tell me. On the first listen through of Songs From The Sunken City of R’lyeh I became increasingly depressed. Mostly because my life is a mess. I haven’t left the house in weeks. My ex-wife and both of my kids think I’m this loser with no job or money, and they want nothing to do with me anymore. I suppose it’s true. Have you ever had to live day by day? Not even knowing if you’ll be sleeping in the same bed as you did the night before? Preparing for the inevitable moment you’re out on the streets in the middle of winter with no money, no friends, and no one to call? Anyway Cthu-Lou Reid is pretty good. Check it out I guess.
Devourment – Conceived in Sewage
Image Credit: devourment.bandcamp.com
Death metal is to heavy metal what cardboard is to wood. Lacklustre, until you can find some wood. Then disposable. Then unnecessary. But always shit. I’m not even sure I listened to the right album to be honest. I ended up in a YouTube loop of death metal songs and they all sounded like an explosion at a dog shit factory. I’m not unappreciative of heavy metal. Metallica, Slayer, Pantera – these bands are metal. Death metal sounds like someone drilled into my ear canal. Don’t get me started on the stupid sub-genres as well. I keep seeing assholes on my Facebook talk about blackened death cyanide dog shit funeralcore metal or something. Whatever. Worst album ever.
James Bay - Chaos And The Calm
Image Credit: theprismmusicgroup.com
Notorious terrorist Abhuma Muhumdua is currently imprisoned in an underground bunker under the watchful interrogation of the US military. Modern torture methods such as waterboarding, branding and electrocution have so far been unsuccessful in extracting information from the wanted terrorist. However, the US have been tipped off by British military personnel as to a 100% proven method of forcing prisoners to confess. James Bay – Chaos And The Calm is currently being played on repeat to military prisoners . The dull, boring, almost complete lack of music has actually bored most of the prisoners to death, and others are immediately talking to avoid a similar fate. Sources say that some prisoners are begging for electrocution or to have nails hammered into their dicks instead of being forced to listen to James Bay’s first full length album. I haven’t listened to this album and never will.
Chutney Ferrets – Cumming In Your Shitbox
According to German philosopher Frederick Nietzsche, God is dead. Fred is wrong. God is very much alive and his name is Chutney Ferrets. This album is so good it makes me wish it was real. Every track is a majestic anthem boasting masterful musicianship and a detailed understanding of song composition, structure, harmony and bad assery. It’s opening track, The Cumshot Symphony, is a 133 minute long speed metal masterpiece which never slows down yet never once compromises speed for quality. I haven’t heard an album this good since I didn’t hear the previous Chutney Ferrets album. The tempo never once falls below fast as hell as it rips through stand-out tracks like Crafty Butcher, Tradesman’s Entrance and Prison Pussy. The Ballad of Jary Gones brings the album to a satisfying conclusion by being the fastest song by the Chutney Ferrets to date. It appears that there is no limit to what the Chutney Ferrets are capable of. Every band member is running for Prime Minister and they are all winning. They have also created their own currency and most English-speaking countries are now using it. Rumours are circulating that the Chutney Ferrets have actually harnessed the power of Satan and Jesus and moulded them into one universally worshipped entity. A world governed by the Chutney Ferrets would be a paradise of orgies with supermodels, unlimited cocaine and endless partying. Thinking about it, maybe God is dead after all, but the Chutney Ferrets are alive as shit.
By Joe Turner
Joe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment, known for Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main stay on the voice cast for Disagreevances. He's also responsible for the artistic design in our games.
Joe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment, known for Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main stay on the voice cast for Disagreevances. He's also responsible for the artistic design in our games.