Recently my inbox has been inundated with requests for help from what some people would describe as 'celebrities'. As I don't watch any television or read anything apart from Wikipedia, I had no clue who these cunts were. It was pointed out to me by some blonde piece I had just larrupped one into. She said “Wow Bob, you have an email from Perrie Edwards! She's famous!”. I know what you're thinking, and yes, Bob is one of the fake names I use. Also, I don't know who the fuck Perrie Edwards is either. For starters he has spelled his name wrong!
Anyway, after I chucked that bird out of the Travelodge room for looking at my phone, I checked my emails to find literally tens of these cunts-- err, 'celebrities', had emailed me. Here for you delectation, is the Ask Jary Celebrity Special!
One Bi-Erection
Dear Jary,
I have been part of a power couple for a while now. There had been talk of marriage and things seemed to be going really well. Then, Zayn fell out with the rest of the lads and after that he's just seemed different. Coming home late at night, rumours of full blown affairs in the newspapers and one night I am sure I could smell another woman's perfume in our bedroom. I don't know what to do. Help me please?
Perrie Edwards, 21
I have been part of a power couple for a while now. There had been talk of marriage and things seemed to be going really well. Then, Zayn fell out with the rest of the lads and after that he's just seemed different. Coming home late at night, rumours of full blown affairs in the newspapers and one night I am sure I could smell another woman's perfume in our bedroom. I don't know what to do. Help me please?
Perrie Edwards, 21
Image Credit: etonline.com
Right, normally in a lesbian relationship the mantle of cheating falls to the butch of the two. If there are two butches, then both can go off and cheat to their hearts content. Like in a gay relationship between two blokes, and by blokes I don't mean a camp fella. In a relationship like yours though, I am at a loss; You're both quite obviously lipstick lesbians. That Zayn especially would be a tidy bit if she had better tits.
I think, and you must be aware I find it very hard to say this, you would be best off staying in a committed and loving relationship. There is no way that two full on women can deal with the difficult nature of cheating. I mean once, I dumped my missus because I got another bird pregnant. But then, the girl aborted the child after I 'allowed' her to catch me cheating on her. So in the end, I got back with my original missus, who never had a clue as to why we had split up in the first place! Neither of you could do that!
I think, and you must be aware I find it very hard to say this, you would be best off staying in a committed and loving relationship. There is no way that two full on women can deal with the difficult nature of cheating. I mean once, I dumped my missus because I got another bird pregnant. But then, the girl aborted the child after I 'allowed' her to catch me cheating on her. So in the end, I got back with my original missus, who never had a clue as to why we had split up in the first place! Neither of you could do that!
Four Weird Things and a Fun Urinal
Dear Jary old chap,
Back in the 90's, I was on top of the um, er, haha, world. I had been in, erm, numerous hit films. I was lamping one into Liz, erm, Hurley; The world was erm, my oyster. Now, I had to erm, um, star opposite Zellwegger, TWICE! All because I er, got caught with my lad in a hookers erm, um, gums. What do I do to get back to where I once was?
Hugh Grant, erm, um, aha, erm, 26, haha
Back in the 90's, I was on top of the um, er, haha, world. I had been in, erm, numerous hit films. I was lamping one into Liz, erm, Hurley; The world was erm, my oyster. Now, I had to erm, um, star opposite Zellwegger, TWICE! All because I er, got caught with my lad in a hookers erm, um, gums. What do I do to get back to where I once was?
Hugh Grant, erm, um, aha, erm, 26, haha
Image Credit: independant.co.uk
Listen Hugh, there is nothing worse than a once top class fanny rat reminiscing about his old capers and feeling sorry for himself. There is only one way you will ever bag Lizzy again, and that is by impressing her with lies about how much you have grown as a person.
I mean come on, she let Shayne Warne have a blast on her. You haven't even got to lie a lot! I once convinced a bird I wasn't a glorious fanny rat anymore just so I could get into her house and rail her Mom! You can do it Hugh! Just stop being a whining pussy about it!
I mean come on, she let Shayne Warne have a blast on her. You haven't even got to lie a lot! I once convinced a bird I wasn't a glorious fanny rat anymore just so I could get into her house and rail her Mom! You can do it Hugh! Just stop being a whining pussy about it!
Every Dog Has His Day
Dear Jary,
Back in the 90's I was probably about half as famous as Hugh Grant (Remember him?), but I was twice or twenty times the shagger he was. Anyway, my problem is that I'm happily married these days. How can I get out of these shackles and get back to shagging and drugs without ruining my happy marriage?
Darren Day, 46
Back in the 90's I was probably about half as famous as Hugh Grant (Remember him?), but I was twice or twenty times the shagger he was. Anyway, my problem is that I'm happily married these days. How can I get out of these shackles and get back to shagging and drugs without ruining my happy marriage?
Darren Day, 46
Image Credit: dailymail.co.uk
Happily married? You poor bastard. There is nothing worse than being so happy that you devote your life to one person! I hate to say it, but your days as a top class shagger are well and truly over. You might be able to get one or two shags a year in if you go on a Beano with the lads or something, but other than that you are consigned to ABC (Anniversary, Cirthday, Christmas) sex for the rest of your life.
Wives are a lot harder to cheat on than missuses, because wives are always looking for it, so they can get that nice big divorce settlement. I would imagine with your successful career that it would total the tens of pounds, so if I was you, keep it in your pants and just start wanking a lot more. Thirteen times a day should do it!
That's it for this time losers, keep checking the FoulENT site and our multitude of twitters for all best from the world of Jary!
Wives are a lot harder to cheat on than missuses, because wives are always looking for it, so they can get that nice big divorce settlement. I would imagine with your successful career that it would total the tens of pounds, so if I was you, keep it in your pants and just start wanking a lot more. Thirteen times a day should do it!
That's it for this time losers, keep checking the FoulENT site and our multitude of twitters for all best from the world of Jary!
By Jary
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Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.
Tweet at Jary
Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.