I don't know if you remember our previous site. It was wank to be fair, but I wrote some class blogs on there. One thing I am known for is helping cunts out. Especially when it comes to matters of the genitals. Fortunately my post sack is the opposite of my nutsack. Full! So, after the jump, let's get down to business!
Bad Reputation
Q: "How can I make sure my new boyfriend doesn't have sex with other women? He’s lovely, but has a terrible reputation. He has cheated on every woman he’s ever been in a relationship with and slept with many of his colleagues. Yet he insists that’s all behind him now. He swears he’s grown up and turned over a new leaf because I'm “the one”. But I've got his sister (who I've known for a very long time) whispering in my ear that I’d be a fool to trust him. Who should I believe?" Elaine, 42
A: Well Elaine, the thing is, men are born to shag. Women are born to be shagged. It's a shag or be shagged world out there. There is only one way to stop your boyfriend from shagging other women, and that is to never stop having sex with him. EVER! If his cock is inside you all of the time, then it can't be in another woman. A bird I was seeing tried that once, I still fingered her sister though.
Stuck In Second Gear
Q: "My new boyfriend looks just like Jeremy Clarkson. At first I found this arousing, but the longer we are together the more he has started to act like him. First it was driving too fast, then he started calling local takeaway the 'chinky' before I knew it he had turned a 1991 Ferrari F40 into a new kind of Synagogue bus, that he said would save the Jews a fortune. When I told him I was fed up, he posted a video onto Twitter apologising saying he didn't mean to be offensive to Jewish people, he was merely trying to help. What do I do?" Carly-Rae Jepson, 76
Image Credit: news.com.au
Pictured: Dopey old cunt
A: What has any of that got to do with shagging? If I was him, I would spend less time building religious shuttles and more time cracking open the jelly and lubing up your dried up old cave. I tell you love, by the time I was finished with you, you'd be suffering from 'carnal tunnel syndrome'. That is when your axe wound is proper sore from all the shagging.
A Regular Iceman
"My Uncle is a virgin, I think. He lives alone in a dilapidated old house and spends all of his time talking about sex or hanging around the local school. He is never with a woman and he has a bit of a stupid moustache. What can I do to help him get a shag? I'm fed up of being the only person he has to hang around with, the drinks he makes are always too strong and I end up hammered after one and I have a rotten head ache the next day. And a sore arse." Nimbus, 16
Image Credit: joystiq.com
Everyone needs a wingman. Just ask Goose here! Is it Goose? Fuck knows, it's a gay film anyway.
Right, bring him down to mine. I will take him out on the town. Obviously he won't get any of the top quality flap, I shag all of that. And the middle of the road totty too. And the bottom feeders. But, on the plus side at least he will get to see how a classs one fanny rat works. You never know, he might pick up some tips and pull more than his cock.
Like a Tiger
"I'm worried that my husband is having an affair. He spends all of his time practising his golf or driving his huge car. I am sure that is a euphemism for shagging other women. What should I do Jary?" Mrs Woods, 39
Image Credit: golf.eu
Who goes out every Sunday and dunks their balls into 18 holes, anyway? Not me, I strive for 20 at least.
The first thing is, next time he goes out, pop round mine. 23, Softwood Gardens, Thepen Islands. It's a win-win solution. If he is cheating then you have something to throw in his face. My spunk if you collect it in a jar or something. If he isn't cheating, then ah well, you're having an awesome affair, and affairs are awesome. Just ask Bill Clinton, being the man in charge of the most powerful country in the world wasn't enough for him, he had to get his weasel greased by someone other than his wife. If he is cheating, you can't blame him, like I said, affairs are awesome.
Problems in the bedroom? Marriage in a rut? Is your wife clearly cheating and you'd like me to stop railing her? Contact [email protected] or tweet me and I'll sort you out.
Problems in the bedroom? Marriage in a rut? Is your wife clearly cheating and you'd like me to stop railing her? Contact [email protected] or tweet me and I'll sort you out.
By Jary
Tweet at Jary
Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.
Tweet at Jary
Jary is one of the stars of Foul Fantasy. When he's not shagging someone who is almost definitely your mum, he's answering your love life questions and solving your romantic quandaries.