Are You A Roof Down Wanker?

This article is a part of FoulENT's 30 Days of Stuff! Click here to read all 30 Days entries and be sure to come back every day in May for new stuff just like this!

​There has been some sun in England this week. Almost immediately, dickheads and idiots rushed out of the house dressed in nothing but their best fake Reebok trainers to a beer garden so they can post on Facebook that they’re in a beer garden. Most of these people live in working class, under-privileged towns near to their manual labour jobs so an affordable pub is generally within walking distance. But for the triple-A assholes, there’s always the alternative: taking your convertible vehicle for a drive. These are known in the industry as 'roof down wankers' and you might be one. Here’s how you can find out:

Take The Quiz: Are You a Roof Down Wanker?

Q1: Do you own, or have you ever owned a convertible vehicle?

1. No, and I never will
2. No, but I would like to
3. Yes, and my penis is incredibly small
4. The web browser in this Mazda MX-5 isn’t compatible with quiz-based web pages

Q2: What’s the first thing you think when you see a roof down wanker?

1. Wow, I hope I’m as cool as him when I hit 70
2. Why has that wanker got his roof down?
3. What a stupid roof down wanker twat
4. Roof down wanker

Q3: How did you purchase your current vehicle?

1. My parents bought it for me
2. I got it on finance and my wages from my low paid, unskilled manual labour job barely cover the monthly costs on this shit factory of a car
3. I stole it from some yardies
4. I ran a twat marathon and came first place

Q4: If you could do only one of the following, which one would it be?

1. Piss out of a helicopter
2. Receive oral sex from a three-breasted alien
3. Climb Mount Rushmore and put your balls on Lincoln’s head
4. Meet Bob Geldof

Q5: You are a:

1. Female in her 20s with big cans
2. Grey haired middle age twat with no friends
3. Black man with sass
4. Roof down wanker

Q6: Your wife left you because:

1. Dick looked like a mushroom
2. Got busted for perving on young women despite being three times their age. It was all over the local news
3. Impotent
4. She killed herself to get away from you

Results:

Mostly 1’s
The only thing that stops you being a complete tool is the fact you might be a woman. The only reason for anyone to ever drive with their roof down is so that men can get a better look at your cans. Even so, if you’re ugly, or your cans are anything below huge, do everyone a favour and drive your convertible car into a volcano. What a loser.

Mostly 2’s
2 is short for is big stupid 2wat, which is what you are if you got this result.  You probably work in a factory or a supermarket. You have a tattoo sleeve made up of clouds, stars and a lion’s face which your mate Darren did for cheap even though all his tattoos look like shit. Your goal is to become supermarket manager one day, which you never will because of your result on this quiz.

Mostly 3’s
You have the potential to be a roof down wanker, but you’re not one. Choosing C’s on this quiz is the only hope you have if you don’t want to be waiting tables or emptying bins for the rest of your life. So long as you resist the urge to buy a convertible, you will do okay in life, but still pretty bad.

Mostly 4’s
You are a roof down wanker of the highest order. You a twice divorced, middle aged sleaze whose overgrown chest hair sticks out of his unbuttoned shirt like muff pubes in an 80s porno. People make wanker signs behind your back and everybody loves it when you get sick. People call you a convertible driving shithead and openly discuss how great it would be if you crashed into a wall. Your family don’t invite you to parties and everyone wishes you were dead.

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By Joe Turner

Joe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment, known for Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main stay on the voice cast for Disagreevances. He's also responsible for the artistic design in our games.

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