It is said that you can never have too much of a good thing, but the hand-shaped bruises on my cock tell a different story. There is a big difference between a wank and a dick injury, although one will inevitably lead to the other without the application of a little thing known as moderation.
Contrary to what people say, it is entirely possible to have too much or too many of something. More doesn’t equal better. Too much fertiliser on a playing field eventually results in mounds of animal shit where there used to be grass. Cigarettes will make you look cool to start with, but too many will turn your lungs to coal. Touching your penis more than five times a day will eventually turn your spunk to talcum powder.
Contrary to what people say, it is entirely possible to have too much or too many of something. More doesn’t equal better. Too much fertiliser on a playing field eventually results in mounds of animal shit where there used to be grass. Cigarettes will make you look cool to start with, but too many will turn your lungs to coal. Touching your penis more than five times a day will eventually turn your spunk to talcum powder.
Because most people are stupid, they don’t realise this. Instead, fat women who get minor self confidence boosts from posting heavily filtered selfies post fifteen selfies a day thinking it will yield fifteen times more confidence boosts. It doesn’t. It just takes up valuable web space for women who are worth looking at.
With this mind, here’s my list of things we need to start moderating better.
With this mind, here’s my list of things we need to start moderating better.
Vegetables
Image Credit: healthyforgood.heart.org
My girlfriend made fajitas last week. Me, being the curious gentleman I am, made the mistake of opening the fajita to see what was inside.
‘Chicken,’ she said. Yeah. She wasn’t lying. There was chicken, but it was mixed in with so many vegetables that there may as well have not been any chicken at all.
In her defence, she likes vegetables, which is fine, but why does everyone else assume that I want vegetables in anything I ask for? How many times do meals get ruined by unnecessary amounts of green shit that no asked for in the first place. Have you ever seen a person NOT take the tomato off a burger? No, because tomatoes are stupid. I asked for meat and bread, not meat, bread and all manner of healthy shit. The occasional vegetable is fine; I’m not adverse to the odd slice of lettuce with my plethora of meat. But if I ask for something with meat in its name, I expect the ratio of meat to vegetable to be at least 10:1 in favour of meat. Vegetables are for assholes.
‘Chicken,’ she said. Yeah. She wasn’t lying. There was chicken, but it was mixed in with so many vegetables that there may as well have not been any chicken at all.
In her defence, she likes vegetables, which is fine, but why does everyone else assume that I want vegetables in anything I ask for? How many times do meals get ruined by unnecessary amounts of green shit that no asked for in the first place. Have you ever seen a person NOT take the tomato off a burger? No, because tomatoes are stupid. I asked for meat and bread, not meat, bread and all manner of healthy shit. The occasional vegetable is fine; I’m not adverse to the odd slice of lettuce with my plethora of meat. But if I ask for something with meat in its name, I expect the ratio of meat to vegetable to be at least 10:1 in favour of meat. Vegetables are for assholes.
Weed
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Getting too high is a bigger problem than people realise. For starters, there are hard limits in place when it comes to similar substance abuse. For example, drinking too much booze will make your blood turn to stone and you will die instantly. Smoking too many cigarettes will give you throat cancer and your neck will collapse. But when it comes to smoking drugs, there’s no internal indicator which tells you when you’ve had enough.
In this respect, weed is like ice cream. It’s absolutely possible to eat more ice cream than your stomach can handle but because it tastes so good that you don’t care. It’s the same with weed. Too much weed will make you the most laid back person in the world, but it will also lead to both looking and acting like Kevin Smith.
In this respect, weed is like ice cream. It’s absolutely possible to eat more ice cream than your stomach can handle but because it tastes so good that you don’t care. It’s the same with weed. Too much weed will make you the most laid back person in the world, but it will also lead to both looking and acting like Kevin Smith.
Zombies
Image Credit: kinja-img.com
A zombie is the gayest form of undead. The last time I saw a zombie who fulfilled their intended purpose was never because they’re stupid. Zombies have been well and truly WWE’d in the past fifteen years. At some point they were okay, and then we started putting them in adverts and on cereal boxes and they quickly became retarded. That was about ten years ago. I’ve probably slagged off zombies before but who cares.
Face Metal
Image Credit: pinimg.com
I used to go out with a girl who my friends called metal face, because her face was full of metal. By this, I mean piercings.
Piercings are fine providing a person has the natural beauty in place to make them look non-stupid, which in most cases, is everyone with a piercing. But as with everything in life, some asshole has to come along and take a perfectly ordinary thing and overblow it to the point of stupidity. If a person is already ugly, adding shining pieces of metal to their face isn’t going to magically make them less ugly. This notion is surprisingly simple, but one which eludes those retards whose natural looks are as deformed as their thinking process. I’m not opposed to piercings; I quite like them. But there comes a point when a face piercing goes from ‘this subtle piece of metal highlights my already-established attributes’ to ‘I know where there’s a piercing shop and I’ve been there fifty times.’
That’s pretty much it for now. When I think of some more I’ll make a new post purely for SEO purposes.
Piercings are fine providing a person has the natural beauty in place to make them look non-stupid, which in most cases, is everyone with a piercing. But as with everything in life, some asshole has to come along and take a perfectly ordinary thing and overblow it to the point of stupidity. If a person is already ugly, adding shining pieces of metal to their face isn’t going to magically make them less ugly. This notion is surprisingly simple, but one which eludes those retards whose natural looks are as deformed as their thinking process. I’m not opposed to piercings; I quite like them. But there comes a point when a face piercing goes from ‘this subtle piece of metal highlights my already-established attributes’ to ‘I know where there’s a piercing shop and I’ve been there fifty times.’
That’s pretty much it for now. When I think of some more I’ll make a new post purely for SEO purposes.
By Joe Turner
@apocrypha87
Joe is what many people would refer to as a real piece of shit. He once lied about his whereabouts to get out of helping his friend move house and thinks a lot of blind people are faking it. He once auditioned to be a back up dancer for Shakira.
@apocrypha87
Joe is what many people would refer to as a real piece of shit. He once lied about his whereabouts to get out of helping his friend move house and thinks a lot of blind people are faking it. He once auditioned to be a back up dancer for Shakira.