Life hacks are everywhere. But do any of them actually work? Read on for a comprehensive list of six ingenious life hacks that will drastically improve your life.
Rarely a day goes by without me seeing a clickbait ‘life hack’ article shared on Facebook by some asshole who thinks he lives in a Judd Apatow movie. The idea of a life-hack is to address a common problem by proposing a more convenient solution than the one which is generally applied. Looking around my house, I can see multiple problems which a hypothetical ‘life hack’ could address. Is there an easier way to change bedsheets? How can I avoid moisture in my gym bag? How can I masturbate while my mom is in the room? Unfortunately, no life hacks address these common issues.
Instead, popular ‘life hack’ websites are offering such profound wisdom as basic dieting advice and unearthing Star Wars references hidden in Google. These are not life hacks. I couldn’t give a shit about your rubbish advice or anything to do with Star Wars. Or how about this asshole, suggesting I use a carrier bag instead of a trash can. Do you know why this moron is using a carrier bag for a trash can? Because he’s an idiot. Not only that, but judging from the picture he took, he also looks like he lives in a skip. Do you know why using a carrier bag for a bin would be a stupid idea? Because your house will look and smell like Bin Laden’s compound after it was bombed. Regardless, all of this really begs one question:
Should we really be taking advice from someone who can’t afford a bin?
Instead, popular ‘life hack’ websites are offering such profound wisdom as basic dieting advice and unearthing Star Wars references hidden in Google. These are not life hacks. I couldn’t give a shit about your rubbish advice or anything to do with Star Wars. Or how about this asshole, suggesting I use a carrier bag instead of a trash can. Do you know why this moron is using a carrier bag for a trash can? Because he’s an idiot. Not only that, but judging from the picture he took, he also looks like he lives in a skip. Do you know why using a carrier bag for a bin would be a stupid idea? Because your house will look and smell like Bin Laden’s compound after it was bombed. Regardless, all of this really begs one question:
Should we really be taking advice from someone who can’t afford a bin?
The only people who can’t afford bins are students and idiots; neither of whom are qualified to advise shortcuts on how to conduct my life. I, on the other hand, am fully versed in such facets of maturity. The following are some fully-functional ‘life hacks’ which will get you from A to B in the shortest amount of time with the minimal effort required - and they all work perfectly.
Cheat on your wife twice in one session by having sex with a pregnant woman
Image Credit: thesun.co.uk
Gross. But if you’re looking to cheat on your wife as much as possible - perhaps before a relationship milestone such as marriage or moving in together – this is your quickest route to slamsville. To experienced life hackers, this is known as a wife hack.
Convince people you own a laptop by simply carrying an empty case
Image Credit: carbonfibergear.com
Everyone has the recurring nightmare of pretending to be talking on your phone only for it to ring and shatter an almost perfect deception. Terrifying, right? But when was the last time you really looked into someone’s laptop case? That’s right – never. People tend to assume you have a laptop in there, when in reality you could have nothing.
Store your drugs in a hollowed-out book…. About drugs
Image Credit: news.com.au
Anyone from Newcastle will tell you that the hardest thing about reckless drug abuse is having to flush your stash when the police bust your caravan. The tricky part of this life hack is that it’s easier to get your hands on crack than it is to find a book in Newcastle, but if you do manage to track one down, simply hollow out the middle to store your narcotics. Different amounts will require different sized books, and a book about drugs would further deceive any nosey police officers prying in your business. This is known as reverse psychology, and will definitely work.
Sleep in the clothes you’re planning on wearing the following day to save time
Image Credit: businessinsider.com
This is known as a Glasgow Wardrobe. People from Scotland are known for being hard. They are the types of people who don’t have time to get dressed, let alone shop. Sleeping in your clothes will allow you to sleep in for longer as it negates the requirement to wake up, think about your outfit for the day, find said outfit, then assemble outfit into something which doesn’t look like it came from a child’s drawing.
Instead of grocery shopping, eat your own shit
Image Credit: positively.com
A few years ago I realised that I hated most of my family. Buying them presents at Christmas was a waste of money and effort because Christmas is for assholes. The only presents people buy for family members are shit ones. Recently I began noticing a trend in types of presents I was receiving. Granted, I was giving away ones just as rubbish, but it was until my mid-20’s when I asked myself; why do we do this to ourselves? What I do now is, on Christmas morning, put all my ‘disposable’ presents – chocolates, deodorant, etc – into a pile, change the tags on them and give them to other people. I call it Christmas Recycling and it saves money, effort, and time. Three things I don’t have enough of. The point I’m making is the notion of recycling things besides the usual general waste. What’s stopping a person eating their own shit over and over again and therefore never needing to shop again? Nothing.
Pretend to have more friends than you do by creating hundreds of fake Facebook accounts
Image Credit: start.mv
Nothing says popular like a big list of Facebook friends. Already added everyone on your ‘you might know’ list? Already added that parody account of your sister’s dog? If that’s the case, try creating fake profiles and adding all of them like the crazy, friendless woman from Catfish.
By Joe Turner
Joe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment, known for Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main stay on the voice cast for Disagreevances. He's also responsible for the artistic design in our games.
Joe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment, known for Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main stay on the voice cast for Disagreevances. He's also responsible for the artistic design in our games.