All the cool kids are talking about services like Twitch and whatever a Pewdiepie is, which tells me that the art of watching people play games is at an all-time high. Sounds like now is the right to become a pro-gamer, right? We’ve all heard success stories of a bunch of socially awkward teenagers earning a shit ton of unjustifiable cash, and I’m sure many of us would love to sit around playing games for a living.
But every occupation has its dark side. Pimps don’t just get cash siphoned into their felt pockets, sometimes they have to wait in cupboards to jump out on customers refusing to pay. Ron Jeremy sometimes has to trim his dick so he can fit it into some 19 year old snatch. What I’m saying is; not everything is as easy as it seems. I was a pro World of Warcraft player for a number of years, and not once did I have sex with a druid.
1. I Didn't Sleep For Months
‘Sitting on your backside playing video games? Trying getting into work at 8am and finishing at 5pm!’ you say. The reality of being successful at a game like World of Warcraft is hindered on one thing: being the first at doing something. And in order to be the first at doing something, you either have to be there first, or keep bashing your head against something until it died, and most challenges in the WoW universe hindered on the latter.
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My guild was exclusively focussed on raid content, which means that 25 virgins with no life got together and use the skills of the group to kill bad guys. When new raid content was presented to the WoW world, it usually took several days of strategizing, mathematics and re-arranging of raid composition for someone to develop a working tactic to defeat the boss. Top raiding guilds kept their methods secret until a reasonable amount of time had passed, which meant for a while, every guild was strategizing, and the best way to strategize was to keep trying to kill the boss and make changes accordingly.
How long did this take? Anywhere from 10 hours to 87 days. There is a particular entry on the list that I was part of. #14, Morogrim Tidewalker was one of my guilds claims to fame. It took 32 days to beat it, and I mean 32 mother fucking days. I’m talking almost 20 hours a day of sitting at my computer and rolling my face across the keyboard. We would begin raiding at 8am, and finish at 2am the following morning.
How long did this take? Anywhere from 10 hours to 87 days. There is a particular entry on the list that I was part of. #14, Morogrim Tidewalker was one of my guilds claims to fame. It took 32 days to beat it, and I mean 32 mother fucking days. I’m talking almost 20 hours a day of sitting at my computer and rolling my face across the keyboard. We would begin raiding at 8am, and finish at 2am the following morning.
2. The Majority of Problems You Face Are Out Of Your Control
Remember when you had that sweet house party? You invited 24 of your friends, and every single one of them showed up on time, ready to party. Big Steve remembered to bring the gold flake vodka, and Phil Food showed up with a kilogram of speed. Oh wait, what’s that? Phil didn’t show up? We all expected to someone to pull a no-show, right?
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Well, if that happens in the World of Professional Warcraft, everything you planned goes to shit. High-end guilds usually have 25 very specific players and only a few substitutes. So if Phil Food, be him a connoisseur of Class A drugs or a shadow priest with a specific ability to heal and DPS simultaneously decides to not show up one morning, you’re kinda screwed. And what reason is usually cited for no-shows? Internet connections being down, computers being broke, power cuts, family emergencies, illness. Basically, things out of your control. But it’s no different to being at work, you might say. People should show up if there’s always a financial incentive. Well, here’s the thing…
3. There's Not Always A Financial Incentive
We made our money by streaming raids live through the website which sponsored us. The more people who watched us, the more money we made. Play-throughs of new content yielded our highest viewing figures, mostly from casual players who were interested in the raiding aspect of the game but didn’t have the means to play it themselves. There wasn’t many other raiders watching us because they were raiding themselves.
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And therein lies the problem. If word gets out that a rival guild are ahead of us inside the same dungeon, viewers would flock to their streams instead. There was a minimum payout regarding viewers for us. For example, if we didn’t have two-hundred people watching for a combined two-hundred hours, we got no payout at all that week.
There was also a bonus for early kills of bosses from our sponsors, and presumably the same for other guilds too. If we managed to kill a boss for the first time on a live feed, we had extra cash and extra gaming gear sent to us. But if someone else got it first, we got jack shit.
There was also a bonus for early kills of bosses from our sponsors, and presumably the same for other guilds too. If we managed to kill a boss for the first time on a live feed, we had extra cash and extra gaming gear sent to us. But if someone else got it first, we got jack shit.
4. You Can Be Irrelevant Within A Day
Imagine a scenario when once every year, everyone at your workplace had their jobs reset. The CEO hides pieces of paper with different salaries written on around the office, and lets the staff run free. If you find a piece of paper with £100,000 on it, congratulations… If you were on less than that before. If you were on £200,000, then tough luck buddy.
This is what it feels like to be a top raider on the day release of a new expansion. The level cap is raised another 5 levels and everyone is reset back to zero. Newbies who type entirely in caps can have better gear than you simply by finding a piece of gear you haven’t. It’s frustrating as hell, and can mean your raid streams could be a pile of dog shit. Why would people watch you when they easily obtain just as good gear as you have? They might as well raid themselves?
This is what it feels like to be a top raider on the day release of a new expansion. The level cap is raised another 5 levels and everyone is reset back to zero. Newbies who type entirely in caps can have better gear than you simply by finding a piece of gear you haven’t. It’s frustrating as hell, and can mean your raid streams could be a pile of dog shit. Why would people watch you when they easily obtain just as good gear as you have? They might as well raid themselves?
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This is usually how it is for a few weeks until the scales tip back in the favour of players with professional guilds behind them. A slightly better skill level means we can kill harder bosses, which in turn means better gear. But still, imagine losing two weeks pay while the janitor who can’t speak English lives at your level for a while. It hurts your ego.
5. It Can Physically Fuck With You
The biggest contender for world first raiding kills during my era was the guild Ensidia. Their achievements are quite incredible, they achieved 99% of world first kills for about 5 years. They later merged with professional gaming organisation SK Gaming, who are also noted for being unreal at doing things on a computer.
One time I was chatting to a member of Ensidia on MSN Messenger, because it was still a thing back then. We were mostly discussing current raids and tactics, but he slipped in that his raiding lifestyle had made him addicted to Pro-Plus Caffeine Tablets. This was in addition to junk food, cigarettes and Dr Pepper, although these things are considered normal.
One time I was chatting to a member of Ensidia on MSN Messenger, because it was still a thing back then. We were mostly discussing current raids and tactics, but he slipped in that his raiding lifestyle had made him addicted to Pro-Plus Caffeine Tablets. This was in addition to junk food, cigarettes and Dr Pepper, although these things are considered normal.
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I can understand where he’s coming from. Spending 20 hours a day at a computer is enough to drive anyone insane, especially when it’s not porn orientated. It’s not a direct excuse to eat shit and slowly kill yourself, but convenience is the magic word when it comes to gamers existing outside of a simulated world. This was no isolated incident either. I remember being told that one of our rogues was doing 4 litres of Coke a day. And not the good type of Coke. I mean Coca Cola. But that’s not the worst thing your body can become addicted to.
6. It Can Mentally Fuck With You
Gaming addiction is a horrible thing to have to deal with. A large chunk of people in my virtual social circle could be classed as gaming addicts. We would spend 90% of our lives playing a game, and our activities outside of gaming were only done for sustenance to continue gaming. This lifestyle, combined with the psychological highs and lows of competing at a world class level can do some serious damage to your psyche.
Our guildmaster was an obsessive player. He was the best at everything in game. He was online 24/7. He was a great person, but he was deeply troubled. World of Warcraft was the only thing he had in his life. He had lied to his parents and told them that he was studying at university, when in actual fact he had dropped out years before. He was accumulating debt from unpaid rent, fees and loans. One day we were competing with another top guild for the world first on a boss named Algalon. We didn’t get it, because the guys in that video did. After that day, I never saw our guildmaster again.
Our guildmaster was an obsessive player. He was the best at everything in game. He was online 24/7. He was a great person, but he was deeply troubled. World of Warcraft was the only thing he had in his life. He had lied to his parents and told them that he was studying at university, when in actual fact he had dropped out years before. He was accumulating debt from unpaid rent, fees and loans. One day we were competing with another top guild for the world first on a boss named Algalon. We didn’t get it, because the guys in that video did. After that day, I never saw our guildmaster again.
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It turned out that our guildmaster had committed suicide. Not just because of missing out on a world first kill, but the accumulating trauma of severe competition mixed with an unhealthy attitude towards what is, at its core, just a game. A stupid, pointless, nonsensical game with pixels and numbers that mean nothing of importance. Yet, to some people, these pixels and numbers are synonymous with life.
Our guildmaster is very much missed. After his death, his parents sent me a figurine from his collection for me to remember him by. I still keep it on my shelf to this day, because if nothing it reminds me to leave the house once in a while.
Our guildmaster is very much missed. After his death, his parents sent me a figurine from his collection for me to remember him by. I still keep it on my shelf to this day, because if nothing it reminds me to leave the house once in a while.
By Joe Turner
Joe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment, known for Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main stay on the voice cast for Disagreevances. He's also responsible for the artistic design in our games.
Joe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment, known for Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main stay on the voice cast for Disagreevances. He's also responsible for the artistic design in our games.