I recently turned 25 and found it rather uneventful. Apparently I was supposed to have suffered something called a 'quarter-life crisis', which is apparently the millennial version of the mid-life crisis, but bought on because hummus is too overpriced or something. Anyway, I was already too cynical and emotionally dead at 17 to have my outlook changed by a few years passing. But in case you've managed to go 24 years without a single bad thing happening to you, here's five things you'll want to get sorted before you hit 25 and get all depressed.
1. Chase Your Dream Job...
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...Only To Find Out Your Dream Job Is Never Hiring And You've Wasted Years Of Your Life
Let's get this one out of the way: The thing you will end up doing for a living will be one of two things. It will either be A) Something either entirely different to or only marginally related to the thing you want to spend your life doing and it will keep you afloat financially or B) It will be exactly what you want to do and you will be poor as fuck, living out of your parents home, barely affording to do anything. I mean look at me, I wanted to be a writer or work in the theatre, now I run this shit show and barely scrape enough cash together from like 3 jobs to afford work clothes out of fucking Matalan.
Maybe part of that comes from being told you can do anything when you're a kid. You get filled with so many ideas and so much optimism in your school years, so nothing ever prepares you for the inevitable drop that is becoming a working adult. Well kids, you can either be anything you want or a total fucking disappointment. Nor both. Probably both. But definitely a disappointment. Either way, get used to being a disappointment and the repeated crushing of your dreams. It really only gets worse...
Maybe part of that comes from being told you can do anything when you're a kid. You get filled with so many ideas and so much optimism in your school years, so nothing ever prepares you for the inevitable drop that is becoming a working adult. Well kids, you can either be anything you want or a total fucking disappointment. Nor both. Probably both. But definitely a disappointment. Either way, get used to being a disappointment and the repeated crushing of your dreams. It really only gets worse...
2. Find A Loving Relationship...
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...Then Watch It Crumble To Pieces When You/They Fuck Up
Breaking news: Love is complicated. It can be good, but it mostly sucks. You will probably find someone you think is utterly amazing, go through the motions of convincing yourself you have found the one, go on holidays, have long weekends together, profess all kinds of vomit-inducing poetic dedication to each other, mentally picture your ever-lasting future together... then all of a sudden, one of you will cheat. Most probably you, you moron. Either that or your insecure paranoia will make you look so much of a clingy, parasitic piece of shit that your partner will up and leave you for someone who isn't a total pussy. After she's cheated on you, though.
No, I'm not bitter. I'm astringent.
No, I'm not bitter. I'm astringent.
3. Be Health Conscious...
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...Until It Becomes Too Difficult And You Give Up
New year, new you right? Wanna get that beach bod and feel better about yourself? Maybe live an alternative lifestyle or finally go vegan? Here's an easy thing you can stop though: fucking kidding yourself.
Face it, unhealthy and generally shitty food is cheap as fuck and is way easier to buy and prepare than stuff that is better for you. Especially if you live alone. If you're able to afford the rent for a box room near your place of work, you will 100% be sustained by 15p noodles from Lidl or crappy £1 own-brand frozen pizzas until a significant other (Or most likely a disappointed parent) can bail you out with a bit of cash. Which you will spend on a fat filled takeaway because you need to feel something, ANYTHING. Eventually, this kind of life will take it's toll. You'll pile on five stone, lose all respect for your self image and slump into a depression. But if your career and love life are anything to go on so far, you should have already hit this point before you got fat.
Face it, unhealthy and generally shitty food is cheap as fuck and is way easier to buy and prepare than stuff that is better for you. Especially if you live alone. If you're able to afford the rent for a box room near your place of work, you will 100% be sustained by 15p noodles from Lidl or crappy £1 own-brand frozen pizzas until a significant other (Or most likely a disappointed parent) can bail you out with a bit of cash. Which you will spend on a fat filled takeaway because you need to feel something, ANYTHING. Eventually, this kind of life will take it's toll. You'll pile on five stone, lose all respect for your self image and slump into a depression. But if your career and love life are anything to go on so far, you should have already hit this point before you got fat.
4. See More Of The World...
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...Providing That You Can Afford To, Which You Can't.
Travelling is bullshit. Turner already covered this, which is why I'll let his article speak as my general opinion on the matter. But here are the cliff notes: Travelling will not solve any of your 'problems', it doesn't make you interesting (maybe less interesting, though), you most likely can't afford it and you'll look like a prick whilst doing it. But you're gonna feel connected to the world, right? You wanna see more of this globe! You want to become one with the planet!
Oh wait, you're broke. Your money is being spent on penny noodles, you've got no significant other to push the bill onto and your job (or lack thereof) is so dead end, the only raise you'll be getting is the one you get from throwing your paycheck into the air in frustration when you've been overtaxed... again. No pan-Asian adventure for you. Not to fret though! Just holiday in your home country! It's only England, right? It can't be that bad, right?
WRONG.
Have you ever been to Hull? It's like if Neil Gaiman had found a way to personify crippling depression into a Silent Hill-like town. It's fucking depressing. And the rest of this country doesn't get better. London is a big grey expensive mess full off tossers, British holiday camps would probably be more fun if they ended with a gas chamber and nobody north of Sunderland has even heard of an iPad. And you're stuck here. You've paid for an expensive passport you'll never use and the closest you'll get to continental Europe is Pizza Express. Which we've established, you can't afford.
Oh wait, you're broke. Your money is being spent on penny noodles, you've got no significant other to push the bill onto and your job (or lack thereof) is so dead end, the only raise you'll be getting is the one you get from throwing your paycheck into the air in frustration when you've been overtaxed... again. No pan-Asian adventure for you. Not to fret though! Just holiday in your home country! It's only England, right? It can't be that bad, right?
WRONG.
Have you ever been to Hull? It's like if Neil Gaiman had found a way to personify crippling depression into a Silent Hill-like town. It's fucking depressing. And the rest of this country doesn't get better. London is a big grey expensive mess full off tossers, British holiday camps would probably be more fun if they ended with a gas chamber and nobody north of Sunderland has even heard of an iPad. And you're stuck here. You've paid for an expensive passport you'll never use and the closest you'll get to continental Europe is Pizza Express. Which we've established, you can't afford.
5. Be Hopeful For The Future...
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...Then Realise We Live In A Post-Brexit/Trump Dystopia Where There Are No Careers, No Affordable Housing, The World Is On The Verge Of War And You're Just Another Forgettable Cog In The Vast And One-Sided System That Is The Western World, So You Lie Face Down In The Dirt, Cry Until You're Practically Drowning In Tears And Wait For The Inevitable, Uneventful End Of Your Miserable Life
This one's pretty self-explanatory... But hey, you'll look snazzy in that new noose!
And there you have it! So long as you're completely okay with never achieving any of your dreams, having any joy in your life, never finding the one, eating and looking like shit, never breaking the cycle and acknowledging that our society is on a complete hell-slide, you'll conquer your quarter-life crisis in absolutely no time! Just remember, even after you've accepted all of this, you'll have a whole new set of problems to keep you awake at night in another 25 years. You think this was bad? You have no idea.
And there you have it! So long as you're completely okay with never achieving any of your dreams, having any joy in your life, never finding the one, eating and looking like shit, never breaking the cycle and acknowledging that our society is on a complete hell-slide, you'll conquer your quarter-life crisis in absolutely no time! Just remember, even after you've accepted all of this, you'll have a whole new set of problems to keep you awake at night in another 25 years. You think this was bad? You have no idea.
By Mike Owen
@ThatMikeOwen
The Editor in Chief of Foul Entertainment, Mike edits most of what you see on the site. He runs the production of our podcasts, and currently pens Pop Culture Club and The Death of Video Games
@ThatMikeOwen
The Editor in Chief of Foul Entertainment, Mike edits most of what you see on the site. He runs the production of our podcasts, and currently pens Pop Culture Club and The Death of Video Games