I don’t mind admitting to two things: I recently got out of a long term relationship and I am fairly terrible with women. Not so terrible as to not have relationships, but bad enough to suffer from image problems or completely make an ass of myself in front of the fairer sex. And, most shockingly enough for a man who is as active as I am online, I have never tried online dating services. Crazy, I know.
So, now I’m back in my on/off relationship with Mrs. Palm, I figured now would be as good a time as any to trial some of these services and show you my experiences with them. Keep in mind, this isn’t a guide on how to ‘win’ at online dating, just a simple experiment so see what fun we can derive from it.
So, now I’m back in my on/off relationship with Mrs. Palm, I figured now would be as good a time as any to trial some of these services and show you my experiences with them. Keep in mind, this isn’t a guide on how to ‘win’ at online dating, just a simple experiment so see what fun we can derive from it.
Let's kick off with Tinder. Oh, boy, this is gonna be awful, isn't it?
Day One
Every bad day for me begins with a selfie. I hate taking photos at the best of times, and selfies can fuck right off. However, I’ve heard that women just aren’t attracted to my MLG Splatoon scores, so a face will have to do. I spent a good 3 minutes taking photos and this was the best one I could do. Terrible, right?
Right, I’ve signed up. Goodbye dignity.
Tinder’s main objective is to swipe left or right to determine whether or not you think a person is attractive or interesting. But mostly attractive. By default, it will find people in a 50 mile radius between the ages of 18 and 33. I took that slider down straight away. Don’t get me wrong, thirtysomethings, you’re probably great, but you’re not my cup of tea. Anyone who can still remember Thatcher’s Britain is not someone I want to knock boots with.
Of course, you’ll want to bolster your profile a bit, with few photos and a brief description of yourself. I basically added any photo where I’m in a costume, to hide my… everything. And my profile description? Well…
Of course, you’ll want to bolster your profile a bit, with few photos and a brief description of yourself. I basically added any photo where I’m in a costume, to hide my… everything. And my profile description? Well…
Okay, for real this time.
Okay, onto the first woman on my Tinder journey!
…Oh. Okay. This is gonna be bad, isn’t it?
What I quickly discovered is that I hate people on Tinder just as much as I do in real life. Almost every woman was plastered in about three coats of makeup and presumably varnish. I swiped right (Meaning I liked the look of someone) maybe four times in half an hour. I know the expression is that beggars can’t be choosers, but I reckon I’d be happier being a beggar from the first initial batch. Was this a sign that I had stupidly high standards? Honestly, if any of these girls had put something about playing Pokemon in their profiles, I’d have swiped right even if they were a goddamn ham planet. Maybe not for a date, but just get this fucking Gengar to evolve.
What I quickly discovered is that I hate people on Tinder just as much as I do in real life. Almost every woman was plastered in about three coats of makeup and presumably varnish. I swiped right (Meaning I liked the look of someone) maybe four times in half an hour. I know the expression is that beggars can’t be choosers, but I reckon I’d be happier being a beggar from the first initial batch. Was this a sign that I had stupidly high standards? Honestly, if any of these girls had put something about playing Pokemon in their profiles, I’d have swiped right even if they were a goddamn ham planet. Maybe not for a date, but just get this fucking Gengar to evolve.
Well, ding my dong! Within the first hour, had a match! Cheers, Kelly. Now, let’s see how she responds to my ice breaker. I’ve developed my opening line before I even get a match. I’m going to ask an important question, the only question that has ever mattered: Bulbasaur, Squirtle or Charmander? So Kelly, what will it be?
I suppose the reference was lost on her. The search continues…
Day Two
Another thing that fucks me off about Tinder is this: Girls, put up photos of JUST YOU. If I am expected to look at a literal room full of women and somehow know which one is you, I would use that amazing ability to win the National Lottery and live on a private island with blackjack and hookers. As a rule, I instantly swiped left (Meaning I didn’t want anything to do with said person) to any picture that had more than one person in. Even if both of them were pretty, I’m not playing the guessing game. Also, any photo of you holding a baby gets the biggest nope from me.
Something else I noticed was that at some point between signing up and setting up my profile; I had entered a strange future where all eyebrows had been eradicated and people were forced to draw them back on. Who in the fuck thinks this looks natural?
Something else I noticed was that at some point between signing up and setting up my profile; I had entered a strange future where all eyebrows had been eradicated and people were forced to draw them back on. Who in the fuck thinks this looks natural?
Hannah, love, you’re only 19. You’ve got your whole life to go mental and draw shit on your face. Why not leave that till when you're old and senile, when nobody will care that you look like a fucking mental-case who found the world hairiest Crayola?
Day Three
As a rule, I don’t feel comfortable swiping right on the mountain of 18 year olds on here. I still work on the good old fashioned 3 year rule. Which worked out great, because those little brats were using the word ‘bae’ without irony.
I will say this about the app, it normally runs quite smoothly. It’s prone to crashes, yes, but I think the temperature of my phone has something to do with that. And the UI is fairly good too. That is not to say that I have accidentally swiped the wrong way more than a few times. Here’s my biggest gripe, though: In order to view someone’s profile (You know, the bit you should actually care about), you have to tap the picture. Tap with a bit of an angle and whoops, you’ve just swiped. I can name a few times when I was interested in what I saw and accidentally dismissed them because of the angle of my tap. Equally, I’m hoping some of the mental cases whose profiles I was laughing at and accidentally liked don’t make a match with me. That will get weird fast.
Speaking of, another match! This time, Miki.
I will say this about the app, it normally runs quite smoothly. It’s prone to crashes, yes, but I think the temperature of my phone has something to do with that. And the UI is fairly good too. That is not to say that I have accidentally swiped the wrong way more than a few times. Here’s my biggest gripe, though: In order to view someone’s profile (You know, the bit you should actually care about), you have to tap the picture. Tap with a bit of an angle and whoops, you’ve just swiped. I can name a few times when I was interested in what I saw and accidentally dismissed them because of the angle of my tap. Equally, I’m hoping some of the mental cases whose profiles I was laughing at and accidentally liked don’t make a match with me. That will get weird fast.
Speaking of, another match! This time, Miki.
Aaaand, I didn’t get a screengrab, but you can copy paste the conversation from Kelly. Another bloody bot. I’ve only match with two people and they’ve both been computers. Perhaps this app is trying to tell me something.
Day Four
In an attempt to get something fun to talk about today, I used up all my likes. This is where the app can fuck off. I can either wait 12 hours between uses (Which under normal circumstances would be great, but we’re trying to squeeze some comedy out of this thing), or I can sign up for Tinder Plus for over £3 a month. Get to fuck. You want me to chuck the equivalent of a pint down the shitter just so I can swipe right on random ass photos for a month? You are fucking high.
This service doesn’t warrant your money in any way, it’s not developed or maintained enough to demand it. Maybe if there was a dedicated community, maybe if there was a way to message without jumping through the matching loophole, maybe if location services actually fucking worked. As it stand though, Tinder plays like a prototype of a dating site. And whilst crowdfunding is the shit right now, Tinder is not a prototype you should support; it’s totally not worth spending any cash on.
Oh, and I take back what I said yesterday. This app crashes more than a Malaysian Airlines flight.
Oh, and I take back what I said yesterday. This app crashes more than a Malaysian Airlines flight.
Day Five
Right, I’m getting sick of this app now. Today is my last day using it, then I’m going to delete my account and take it off my phone. So, let’s go nuts shall we? I’m going to swipe right to EVERYONE. Eveyone I find attractive, everyone I fund unattractive and everything else in between. This should yield some fun, right? RIGHT?!
Nope. Here’s the only match and conversation that took place.
Nope. Here’s the only match and conversation that took place.
Yup. Dead in the water after only 5 sentences. Much like my continued interest in this app. Well, we tried, internet. We tried. So, what have we learned from these five days with Tinder?
In Conclusion...
Tinder is just as wank as people make it out to be. You almost definitely have to be the sort of stereotypical one-and-done dudebro to get anywhere with this shoddy app, and that’s only if you can get past the Skynet level legion of bots that plague the service. It doesn’t matter what you’re looking for with you next romantic encounter, you won’t find it on Tinder. Or in other words...
By Mike Owen
@ThatMikeOwen
The Editor in Chief of Foul Entertainment, Mike edits most of what you see on the site. He runs the production of our podcasts, and currently pens Pop Culture Club and The Death of Video Games.
@ThatMikeOwen
The Editor in Chief of Foul Entertainment, Mike edits most of what you see on the site. He runs the production of our podcasts, and currently pens Pop Culture Club and The Death of Video Games.