I am still single. But not to fret, my time with Tinder didn't totally turn me away from online dating. I decided to dive right back into it, but this time into a different pool, so to speak. After a very short search on the Google Play store for apps related to Tinder, I came across today's test subject. Here are my five days with Coffee Meets Bagel.
Day 1
Coffee Meets Bagel works off the gimmick that is meant to be used once a day. Unlike Tinder, which wants you to mindlessly swipe left and right all day, CMB would rather you just log in once a day. Kind of sounds counter intuitive to meeting people, you'd think. The big sell is that the apps algorithms are supposed to deliver you better matches than those you will find from mindlessly swiping or browsing. Is it the case, though? We have to sign in to find out.
Signing in gives you your first Bagel. So, let's take a look.
Signing in gives you your first Bagel. So, let's take a look.
Much like any quick matching type service, you either hit the tick or the cross to register your interest or disinterest. And truth be told, this first bagel is not bad at all. Same age range, fairly local, very similar interests. Very strong start for CMB!
So, to hit that tick and possibly connect with this girl, you then have to set up a full account. After putting in your standard fare of age, sex, location and photos, the time comes to make your profile stand out with your own personalisations.
You get the opportunity to list three sentences to describe yourself, rather than fill out an extensively long profile that will probably never be read by anyone. A seemingly smart move, as it keeps things brief, readable and leaves the opportunity open for ice breaker questions when you connect with someone. However, I had a little too much fun with this section...
You also answer questions based on your preferences. These were also fair game for dumb hilarity.
And with that... that's it. The app was past it's usefulness for that day. Once all these details had been completed, the app registered my interest in that Bagel and it was pretty much useless until noon the next day.
Day 2
Onto today's Bagel...
I should point out that this lady's profile was completely barren save for an age and a location. Also, she wasn't my type. Huh. Is that really it for another day? Not so, for the app also boasts another feature: Give and Take.
Give and Take allows you to either send the profile of one of 8 selected matches to another CMB user or Facebook friend, or take that match for yourself to connect with another Bagel. The problem? The app doesn't take sexual preference into the mix.
Give and Take allows you to either send the profile of one of 8 selected matches to another CMB user or Facebook friend, or take that match for yourself to connect with another Bagel. The problem? The app doesn't take sexual preference into the mix.
But even if I did want to needlessly connect with this charming lesbian, taking a Bagel from Give and Take actually costs you. CMB features it's own currency known as Beans, which doesn't at all make this app sound like a huge slave trading ring. Either way, you get given just over 1000 beans to play with just for starting a new account. You can earn a few more as rewards if you Tweet about the app, follow the devs on Instagram or get someone else to sign up. Or, you guessed it, by purchasing the beans with real cash.
And you though micro-transactions in games were bad, imagine being in debt over a fictional currency that you can use to unsuccessfully talk to real girls. Oh, no word on yesterday's Bagel wanting to get in touch, by the way. By the logic of the app, I should appear as a Bagel for her in the coming days, so I will let you know if anything grows from it. Like a bean would. Puns.
Day 3
Today's Bagel was... well...
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with that.
I will say this, it's easy to forget that I even have this app installed. It doesn;t have the immediacy of Tinder or the content that sites like OKCupid have. There's very little to read and therefore very little to care about. And the Give and Take feature's location service full on sucks. I am learning more about the geography of the south of England than I am about potential dates or partners. I haven't seen a Bagel that lives anywhere near me today
Still nothing from that one Bagel I liked, by the way.
I will say this, it's easy to forget that I even have this app installed. It doesn;t have the immediacy of Tinder or the content that sites like OKCupid have. There's very little to read and therefore very little to care about. And the Give and Take feature's location service full on sucks. I am learning more about the geography of the south of England than I am about potential dates or partners. I haven't seen a Bagel that lives anywhere near me today
Still nothing from that one Bagel I liked, by the way.
Day 4
I was complaining about a lack of content on this app yesterday. Little did I realise that the app was apparently not pleased about my comments. Instead of a Bagel, today I got this:
Yup. No Bagel. But they did give me a free take on Give and Take! Which didn't have anybody even remotely in the Midlands. And most of which were looking for girls. Look CMB, I know you said they might not match my preferences, but perhaps your algorithm could make sure that I fit theirs, perhaps? Or make it so that I could even remotely reach these people.
What I will say so far is that there is a noticeable disconnect with this app, which kind of defeats the point of an app that is, in it's primary function, supposed to connect people. There is no way to message anyone besides matching with them, much like Tinder. However, unlike Tinder, you can only connect with the one Bagel you get per day, unless you really want to take a chance on the Give and Take matches, which cap out at 8 per day and often don't even amount to that. It's all very unimpressive and not worth coming back to.
What I will say so far is that there is a noticeable disconnect with this app, which kind of defeats the point of an app that is, in it's primary function, supposed to connect people. There is no way to message anyone besides matching with them, much like Tinder. However, unlike Tinder, you can only connect with the one Bagel you get per day, unless you really want to take a chance on the Give and Take matches, which cap out at 8 per day and often don't even amount to that. It's all very unimpressive and not worth coming back to.
Day 5
This app has apparently finished putting in the effort...
Nothing to do and nothing to make up for it. Fuck it. Deleted.
In Conclusion...
CMB had a lot of potential for sure, but it was squandered in in under a week. I'm not sure if the problem is the small user base or the incompetent algorithms that the matching service is based on, but I had apparently exhausted all options in just 5 days, which I find to be slightly unbelievable. It doesn't help that the time constraints and unnecessary limitations to daily match numbers don't even give you ten minutes a day on the app. And the idea of giving a match to a friend seems a bit ridiculous, given that you are likely to not recommend someone you couldn't physically connect with yourself to somebody else. That and it's easier to be selfish and maximise your chances of a connect by keeping everything to yourself.
Coffee Meets Bagel is a great idea on paper, but poor in execution. I can't recommend it when I would have and have had better luck with meeting friends of friends or people at work. When an internet dating site is more limited than your actual real life options, then said app is a failure. Coffee Meets Bagel is, therefore, a failure.
Coffee Meets Bagel is a great idea on paper, but poor in execution. I can't recommend it when I would have and have had better luck with meeting friends of friends or people at work. When an internet dating site is more limited than your actual real life options, then said app is a failure. Coffee Meets Bagel is, therefore, a failure.
By Mike Owen
@ThatMikeOwen
The Editor in Chief of Foul Entertainment, Mike edits most of what you see on the site. He runs the production of our podcasts, and currently pens Pop Culture Club and The Death of Video Games.
@ThatMikeOwen
The Editor in Chief of Foul Entertainment, Mike edits most of what you see on the site. He runs the production of our podcasts, and currently pens Pop Culture Club and The Death of Video Games.