As a kid in the 80s and 90s, videogames were mostly about bright colours, jaunty music, and flying into a rage because your mum had turned the Sega off so she could watch Brookside.
But the videogame manuals of my childhood also came with back stories, which were ignored as I thumbed through the pages looking for ways to not immediately die. These stories ranged from “You are a man, kill the bad men” to the fucking Iliad, and gave us an extra bit of insight into why we were bothering to not just let our character get punched repeatedly.
But the videogame manuals of my childhood also came with back stories, which were ignored as I thumbed through the pages looking for ways to not immediately die. These stories ranged from “You are a man, kill the bad men” to the fucking Iliad, and gave us an extra bit of insight into why we were bothering to not just let our character get punched repeatedly.
However, the following examples make me wonder if some back stories were created by pulling torn up bits of dictionary out of a hat. Follow me through a magical world of trousers, squatters, and idiots called Paul...
Alex Kidd: High Tech World (Master System)
Alex is the “Crown Prince of Radactian”. Not too shabby so far. One day, his “sometime friend” Paul tells him there's a new arcade in town, and they should go because that's where bitches hang out. “It isn't too far, just through the forest and past the village”. It is, however, far enough away for them to need a map. That's ok, because Paul knows of “a map with guaranteed directions”.
You know, unlike those other maps that claim the A57 leads to the moon.
But oh shit, the map has been torn into eight pieces and hidden around the castle!
You know, unlike those other maps that claim the A57 leads to the moon.
But oh shit, the map has been torn into eight pieces and hidden around the castle!
No, it was fucking Paul.
Let's recap. Paul invites his friend to the arcade, except he doesn't know how to get there, but that's ok because he has a map, which he tore into pieces and hid, so they're fucked anyway.
And then somehow it falls to Alex to run round finding all the map bits, presumably while Paul sits there wanking. And he has to do all this and get to the arcade before 5pm, because that's when it shuts. If the arcade shuts at 5pm, I reckon you'd probably want to get there earlier if you want to do anything except get turned away once you arrive. And anyway, Paul clearly doesn't even want to go to the fucking arcade, so you'd be going on your own, which is no way to pick up bitches.
Alex ignores logic and goes off to find the map bits. When he finds the map and heads off to the forest, Paul informs us of the following (which he seems to have known about all along):
Let's recap. Paul invites his friend to the arcade, except he doesn't know how to get there, but that's ok because he has a map, which he tore into pieces and hid, so they're fucked anyway.
And then somehow it falls to Alex to run round finding all the map bits, presumably while Paul sits there wanking. And he has to do all this and get to the arcade before 5pm, because that's when it shuts. If the arcade shuts at 5pm, I reckon you'd probably want to get there earlier if you want to do anything except get turned away once you arrive. And anyway, Paul clearly doesn't even want to go to the fucking arcade, so you'd be going on your own, which is no way to pick up bitches.
Alex ignores logic and goes off to find the map bits. When he finds the map and heads off to the forest, Paul informs us of the following (which he seems to have known about all along):
Paul really is a bastard. He looks so pleased with himself. I think he's done all this on purpose to get Alex killed, and then he's going to fart on his lifeless body. I would respect that, but tearing the map up didn't add anything to proceedings, it was just an idiot thing to do. If I ever want anyone assassinating, I'm not going to hire Paul.
http://www.digitpress.com/library/manuals/sms/alex_kidd_high_tech.pdf
http://www.digitpress.com/library/manuals/sms/alex_kidd_high_tech.pdf
Plok (SNES)
Plok is a weird thing with tits that's on fire. That should be enough plot on its own.
And what do you do if you're the enemy of the thing with tits that's on fire? Correct – you steal his flag. Obviously this was your first answer because “Everyone knows that Plok is simply crazy about flags (of course you do!)”.
The reason Plok has flags is that “he uses them to mark out which parts of Akryllic (he thinks) belong to him”. So he's a dirty squatter as well.
So the entire story is that someone (the police I assume) has confiscated his bullshit flags.
And what do you do if you're the enemy of the thing with tits that's on fire? Correct – you steal his flag. Obviously this was your first answer because “Everyone knows that Plok is simply crazy about flags (of course you do!)”.
The reason Plok has flags is that “he uses them to mark out which parts of Akryllic (he thinks) belong to him”. So he's a dirty squatter as well.
So the entire story is that someone (the police I assume) has confiscated his bullshit flags.
This means Plok must go on a murderous rampage, for reasons of... I dunno, Brexit?
“First thing this morning he set off in his boat to retrieve his property. But knowing Plok, he's not gonna leave it at that... no way!”
Did I mention he can shoot his limbs at people?
“First thing this morning he set off in his boat to retrieve his property. But knowing Plok, he's not gonna leave it at that... no way!”
Did I mention he can shoot his limbs at people?
I'm not sure if his tits come off as well. Anyway, the player is somehow supposed to give a shit about Plok and his stupid wanky flags. We're expected to help him get his flags back rather than just making him run off a cliff.
http://www.gamesdatabase.org/Media/SYSTEM/Nintendo_SNES//Manual/formated/Plok_-_1993_-_Tradewest,_Inc..pdf
http://www.gamesdatabase.org/Media/SYSTEM/Nintendo_SNES//Manual/formated/Plok_-_1993_-_Tradewest,_Inc..pdf
I hate it when strangers give me trousers in the street. There's always a chance they've got piss on them, or that they transport you to an evil realm.
This is why my heart went out to our protagonist, when one day a “Strange Old Man gave to Kid his pair of mystical trousers”.
Instead of running away and calling the police, the kid gratefully accepts the trousers. Maybe he didn't have any trousers of his own and desperately needed some. After all, it does hurt your rad coolness when you have to wear your sister's culottes to school.
Reading on, we discover that probably was his motivation:
“Now Kid kicks and is in the house. When a Kid's got bottomless pockets in which to keep his toys and boy's things, he's so cool it hurts.”
This is why my heart went out to our protagonist, when one day a “Strange Old Man gave to Kid his pair of mystical trousers”.
Instead of running away and calling the police, the kid gratefully accepts the trousers. Maybe he didn't have any trousers of his own and desperately needed some. After all, it does hurt your rad coolness when you have to wear your sister's culottes to school.
Reading on, we discover that probably was his motivation:
“Now Kid kicks and is in the house. When a Kid's got bottomless pockets in which to keep his toys and boy's things, he's so cool it hurts.”
If you say so.
I have to quote this next bit verbatim, because I'm fucked if I can make it make sense in my head:
“But then one day something bad happened. Kid couldn't find his best toys. They had disappeared into the depths of his bottomless pockets! Kid was not happy, but didn't show it because he was so cool. He simply put his hand into his pocket and pulled out a black hole which he threw on the floor. Kid stepped into the black hole and in an instant he reappeared inside his own pockets in PocketLand!”
Firstly, we ought to tackle the suggestion that he's put the old man's trousers on instead of burning them like anyone else would have done. Not only that, but he clearly didn't even wash them first, since the pockets are still full of black holes, and probably jizz.
Secondly, it's important to learn that if you crack your face even once, you immediately stop being cool and rad. Even if your parents die in front of you, or you get a paper cut on your knob, at no point must your face register anything but blank.
Thirdly, “he reappeared inside his own pockets”. What the hell does that even mean? How does someone do that, is it even possible without breaking the universe? Is he still wearing the trousers so there are now two pairs, or is he now naked from the waist down?
Apparently he's gone with the naked option.
I have to quote this next bit verbatim, because I'm fucked if I can make it make sense in my head:
“But then one day something bad happened. Kid couldn't find his best toys. They had disappeared into the depths of his bottomless pockets! Kid was not happy, but didn't show it because he was so cool. He simply put his hand into his pocket and pulled out a black hole which he threw on the floor. Kid stepped into the black hole and in an instant he reappeared inside his own pockets in PocketLand!”
Firstly, we ought to tackle the suggestion that he's put the old man's trousers on instead of burning them like anyone else would have done. Not only that, but he clearly didn't even wash them first, since the pockets are still full of black holes, and probably jizz.
Secondly, it's important to learn that if you crack your face even once, you immediately stop being cool and rad. Even if your parents die in front of you, or you get a paper cut on your knob, at no point must your face register anything but blank.
Thirdly, “he reappeared inside his own pockets”. What the hell does that even mean? How does someone do that, is it even possible without breaking the universe? Is he still wearing the trousers so there are now two pairs, or is he now naked from the waist down?
Apparently he's gone with the naked option.
Finally, the conclusion:
“But Kid wasn't content with getting his best toys back. He wanted to teach the PocketLand people a lesson” (at this point they've done nothing wrong except be in his pockets.) “Using his PocketPower, Kid killed the Bad People along the way and stole their Sweet Things and their Magic Items, which he used to his advantage before transporting himself home in time to catch the all-night rave.”
Wait, if he's already done all this, why are we even playing? Also, I really don't want to help this guy, he's a dick.
http://www.gamesdatabase.org//Media/SYSTEM/Commodore_Amiga/manual/Formated/Magic_Pockets_-_1991_-_Renegade_Software.pdf
“But Kid wasn't content with getting his best toys back. He wanted to teach the PocketLand people a lesson” (at this point they've done nothing wrong except be in his pockets.) “Using his PocketPower, Kid killed the Bad People along the way and stole their Sweet Things and their Magic Items, which he used to his advantage before transporting himself home in time to catch the all-night rave.”
Wait, if he's already done all this, why are we even playing? Also, I really don't want to help this guy, he's a dick.
http://www.gamesdatabase.org//Media/SYSTEM/Commodore_Amiga/manual/Formated/Magic_Pockets_-_1991_-_Renegade_Software.pdf
By Jenny Morrill
@theworldofcrap
Woman one. Obsessed with Bungle from Rainbow. Once attempted to eat 36 Trios in one go.
http://www.worldofcrap.co.uk/
@theworldofcrap
@theworldofcrap
Woman one. Obsessed with Bungle from Rainbow. Once attempted to eat 36 Trios in one go.
http://www.worldofcrap.co.uk/
@theworldofcrap