It didn't always feel this way. When I first got my Twitter account, I was overjoyed to get 10 followers who occasionally retweeted my stuff. “That's nice,” I thought. “They must like me.”
Fast forward to today, and I use Twitter whenever I want to get myself into a mild rage, usually before I have to do some really hard scrubbing.
It might be symptomatic of Twitter in general, or it might just be me. Whatever the reason, the following examples of cunt-fuckery keep cropping up in my Twitter timeline, and I wish they wouldn't, because they make me want to move to a farm in Wales that has no internet.
“Ive just run a marathon for charity with my new prosthetic legs!”
@fucker replied to your tweet: “There's an apostrophe in I've.”
Subtext: “Oh God I've made such a mess of my life. The only way I can block out my self loathing is to point out meaningless faults with other people.”
This is the assumption that everyone is desperate for your opinion, and will somehow thank you for pointing out this oversight. These are the kind of people who will watch a small child build a Lego tower, then say “You'd never get planning permission for that” before knocking the whole thing down and then kicking the kid. Then they'd go home and stare at themselves in the mirror while eating Flora Pro-Activ straight from the tub.
@DesperateVirgin tweeted: “OMG all these 'so called men' using the word 'tits'. I have more respect for women than that. I call them 'goddess orbs' because I am such a feminist.”
Subtext: I really, really need to get laid before I die and I'm willing to say anything to have that happen.
This might also take the form of retweeting some bitch and her inane illiteracy just because you think she might fuck you.
@DesperateVirgin retweeted your tweet
“I can't even!”
@DesperateVirgin retweeted your tweet
“Lol got some shoes lol”
@DesperateVirgin retweeted your tweet
“@DesperateVirgin Please stop RTing me, it's creepy.”
@DesperateVirgin liked your tweet
You get the idea.
She is not going to sleep with you. She is not even going to acknowledge your presence. She is either a bot, or a blank, emotionless void who needs retweets to block out the fact that her father didn't love her. Either way, stop polluting my timeline with that coma-inducing diarrhoea. Those aren't even her tits.
Example tweet: “Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!”
@slackarse replied to your tweet: “Lol you thought it was going to be another reason but then it's just normal crossing the road procedure, just like humans.”
My reply: “Why are you alive.”
I can't really get angry with these people. It would be like getting angry with a dog for wanting to sniff another dog's arse.
The people who do this are assuming you haven't got the joke you posted yourself, and think their masterful insight will help you to understand the joke. THAT YOU JUST TOLD. Either that or they're desperately trying to reword it so they can understand it. This is llike having to write a year 7 essay on Shakespeare, and saying “He wrote stuff innit.” And, just in case the teacher who set the essay doesn't know who Shakespeare is, they include a drawing they did of Shakespeare.
In short: “I have limited mental capacity. It is beyond me to think that anyone would have a more advanced mental capacity than me. I mean, I'm like this, so everyone else is. Huuuuuuh?”
Example tweet: “Here's a blog post I wrote that took 20 solid hours to put together. It's incredibly informed and entertaining. I'd really appreciate it if you could share it around. Please RT.”
@prick liked your tweet.
I've never been able to understand exactly what the 'like' (formerly 'favourite') button on Twitter is for. I know some people, like journalists, do legitimately use it to bookmark tweets. Fine, have a bookmark button. Save a record of the tweet for that one user, and stop kidding yourself that anyone is ever, ever going to go through anyone's 'likes'. I know they're not, and everyone else knows they're not.
That might have been its intended use, but the 'like' function has instead evolved into something grotesque and shit. On today's Twitter, 'liking' a tweet is shorthand for the following:
“You don't have to wonder if I read your tweet because I definitely did. I knew you'd have sleepless nights over it otherwise. It wasn't very good though, and I thought you'd appreciate me letting you know it wasn't very good. I mean, if it was good enough I'd have retweeted it. As it is, I 'liked' it so you can know to do better next time.”
That is seriously the only rational explanation for someone 'liking' a tweet.
There are a couple of exceptions: if one of your real life friends is tweeting something your other followers aren't likely to get, fine, knock yourself out, do a like. Or, if someone's replied to your tweet (when you've actually invited replies, unlike #3 and #6), go for it – a like is a good way to say “I read your tweet, ha ha and all that, but this conversation has to stop at some point otherwise it will become infinite, and it's not fucking Facebook so we can't just do a never ending loop of 'LOL'.”
My writing might be shit to some people, but I think it's ok, and I wouldn't tweet my stuff if I didn't think at least one person would RT it. They do, but there's an equal number of people who 'like' it. This is why, after months of having the same guy 'like' every single one of my tweets without once RTing them, I called him out on it. This is what he said:
“I find your content humorous so I thought I'd let you know.”
You could have fucking fooled me you fucking laundry basket of pubes. “I find your stuff funny. I know, I'll press the 'like' button so no one else ever gets the chance to see it ever. That's how funny I think it is.”
Presumably these people are a riot at Christmas: “I didn't get you an actual present – I know it's the thought that counts, and I thought about getting you a present instead.”
AKA “I'll just 'CC' this person in for you.”
“Donald Trump has small hands. This is hilarious, because I am the first person ever to have noticed this.”
@dicksplash quoted your tweet and said: “You forgot to @ him. I'll do that for you. @RealDonaldTrump:..”
This is the Twitter equivalent of a 6 year old watching you do something naughty and then thinking 'A-ha! If I tell on them, then I'll be really popular with the grown ups and I'll get to stay up tonight!”
In other words, they're trying to get you into 'trouble' because they have nothing else going on in their sad little lives. They know that if you'd wanted to '@' the person, you would have done. What they're doing is a combination of white knighting (That person will totally acknowledge me if I rat on this guy to them), virtue signalling (Look how good I am ratting on this guy) and completely failing to get the joke (What? I assumed you'd totally want this celebrity to know you're making a joke about them. What do you mean they won't even see my tweet? They so will).
Tell you what, I'll 'CC' you into the rest of the world: no one likes you. Go away.
“Is it possible to start a mid-life crisis as soon as you're born?”
@twoshortplanks replied to your tweet: “No, it's normally only once you hit 40.”
I'm paraphrasing, but I've had replies like this before.
Here's the thing: my tweets might not be the funniest things ever, but they are so obviously jokes. If you'd replied to something like “How do you get rid of rats in your bathroom?”, I might have given you the time of day. But this? This tweet which, although not necessarily your cup of tea in the humour department, is so obviously a joke? As in 'not serious'? What's wrong with you? Do I need to come round and do your cleaning and make sure you go to the toilet?
In short: “I can't see a joke here, therefore no one else can either. If I don't get the joke, THERE IS NO JOKE.”
It shouldn't make me angry, but it does. It feels like growing a lovely flower bed, only to see someone having a piss in it. Not only are you ruining what I've done, you're also making it harder for other people to appreciate what I've done, because they'll see your piss-covered reply when they reed my tweet.
The moral of the story: Don't bother. Just don't. No one wants you to do that.
Example tweet: “OMG, something just happened that has absolutely nothing to do with me. Therefore I'm going to tweet that I'm literally shaking so people will pay attention to me instead.”
Hint: The only people who will pay attention to your short-arsed dribbling will be White Knighters (see #2), who will attempt to use your 'literally shaking' as a makeshift wank. This is, of course, on the off-chance you will actually let the white-knighter be in the same room as you. Otherwise, he'll just have to be content with doxing you then going through your knicker drawer. While 'literally shaking'.
The rest of us will just scroll past your tweet, trying to find something interesting (hint: not you and your need for attention).
See also: “My 1 year old kid said to me: “Mummy, will Brexit really mean a collapse in the Tyneside car industry?” “Hush now,” I said to her. “I'm sure Brexit won't be able to kill all your ginger friends.” “Ok Mummy, but I'm literally shaking,” she said.
Example tweet: “I took a #SexyFlatteringSelfie' for Ugly Women Awareness Week. Look how terrible I look! I'm a size 8 and my hair is a bit flat! Lol I haven't even used mascara! #UglyWomen #Bravery”
My reply: “You never told me your mother was a rhinoceros.”
Can be combined with #7, for maximum fantasist cuntery. There are two ways to deal with this kind of crap. Either ignore them, or comment on how hideous they look. The second will undoubtedly destroy any self worth they had, but don't worry, they didn't deserve it anyway. The first is my preferred method, since it doesn't require any effort. Sadly, you will get the White Knighters (see #2) retweeting them and telling them how brave they are and “Don't worry, I'm a feminist, can I touch your breasts now?”
See also: “OMG I hate (Insert whoever isn't trendy)! I wish they'd die!!111one!” This is ok as long as the person isn't friends with #5, who will 'CC' the evil person in on the tweet, and the original tweeter will end up getting murdered. Ok, more likely they'll get ignored and their tweet will never even be seen, but I prefer the first option.
(Ok, since I can't think of the funniest joke in the world, pretend the following is it.)
“Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!”
“Pull yourself together.”
No notification. You're only aware of this when someone else RTs this into your timeline:
@kleptomaniac: “Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!”
“Pull yourself together.” RT@originaltweeter
Thus, they get all the credit for the joke, because most people are too dim to notice they've done the equivalent of the small print at the bottom of a 'MEGA LOANS 4 U' advert, or are too lazy to bother crediting the original tweeter. Either way, it's stealing.
You see that button there? The one right under your fat useless finger? It's called the 'retweet' button, and it's been there for years, as you fucking well know. It's considerably less effort to press that button than it is to go to the trouble of manually copying out a tweet then adding 'RT' to the end, like you think that makes it ok. This is not 2006. If you want that level of internet, then by all means go back to taking an hour to download one nudey picture on your Packard Bell. Otherwise, you're stealing tweets. Stop it.
I think I've finished now. If I think of any more, I probably won't tweet them because my tweet will just get one 'like' from one of these knobheads. And then I'll hit myself in the face with a pan.
Woman one. Obsessed with Bungle from Rainbow. Once attempted to eat 36 Trios in one go.