Thousands of dribbling virgins today died after finding out something they were already pretty sure of about Game of Thrones. The well received show, which seems to have a crossover audience of non virgins, gave the reveal in the season six finale that George R R Martin had actually had sex with a woman.
There was chaos in the European parliament today as Nigel Farage shocked the entire room by reverting to type and acting exactly the same as he always has. Farage explained to the Guardian afterwards "I'm just a normal bloke like you, I go to the pub, I smoke fags, I let my wife wear a strap on a fuck me from behind, and the EU don't like it when I tell them the truth. Especially that last one."
Following England's defeat to Iceland this evening in the last 16 of this years EUFA European Championship, football fans are calling for a second referendum that will see the UK leave all European competitions.
The decision comes most UK teams failed to even reach the quarter finals, when Scotland failed to have any impact at all, Ireland as a whole equally lost in two separate matches and England performed their favourite trick of raising everyone's hopes and dashing them early so the players can get their fill of prostitutes before they go home to their wives.
In a completely expected result England today lost to budget frozen supermarket chain Farmfoods. "It was always going to be a difficult game today, we were going in there as favourites but as you know underdogs tend to raise their game and make things difficult for you. I told the lads before the game to keep things simple and to go out there and play." said Farmfoods manager Victor Fries.
Tony Blair today advocated a second referendum on leaving the EU to a packed Dog and Guns pub in West Bromwich. "Friends" a visibly inebriated Blair started "I know what you are thinking, the voting is over now, we never need to wear a shirt again, but let me ask you this, is it worth it? We need to vote again, and we need to vote remain, because while you may well manage to get rid of the Poles and Romanians, petrol is going to be £1.40 a fucking litre, and that just isn't on!"
David Lammy today called on Parliament to stop asking him to sing Ace Of Spades for them. "It's the Northern MPs mainly" Lammy told us "Me and the other Southern MPs haven't heard of Motorhead." As well as this uphill struggle, Lammy is also recommending that Parliament ignore the EU referendum results in a slightly more realistic desire "Again it's the Northern MPs, they're just really uneducated, some of them didn't even go to Oxford! And Motorhead? I thought that was what my secretary did when I drive around in my massive fucking Bentley"
Following the months of build-up to the EU Referendum, the citizens of the United Kingdom have decided to leave the European Union, giving into baseless, factless scaremongering and have decided to ride a wave of racially-motivated blind patriotism right into a new depression.
Despite a strong campaign from the spineless mouths of the Remain campaign, it seems that in an attempt to please everyone, the argument to remain ultimately pleased no-one. The consensus of the country is to instead try out something which leaves the entirety of the UK in the dark whilst the Conservative government decides who gets to eat and get rich and who get's to continue to get poorer and starve for the next 10 years.
Plate-Faced Prime Minister David Cameron has announced his forthcoming resignation in the wake of the victory of the Leave campaign in the EU Referendum. The dish-resembling Conservative Party leader announced his plans to leave his position this October, calling for a new Prime Minister to instigate the UK's separation from the EU.
The decision to plunge the country into uncertainty is not one that the platter-featured MP for Witney was backing, which has damaged his reputation within his own party.
A new study from Cambridge University today revealed that telling your parents you are gay is easier than informing them you like wrestling.
Flamboyant hair stylist/ sous chef/ professor of stupid studies at Cambridge University Dr Julian VonCleef said "It's been something I thought for years but had never been able to prove. This research is a smoking gun for all people who have suffered at the hands of wrestlophobes. It's terrible, my Dad has walked in on me performing fellatio on 3 men and not batted an eyelid, but if he knew that I am going to watch Money In The Bank tonight I think he would disown me."
After rumours have been dogging her for almost a year that her career was at an all time low, even worse than before she began acting, Helen Mirren today confirmed that they were indeed true and her career was as good as over when she confirmed she would be taking a role in the latest installment of The Fast And The Furious.