Professor James Kardashian told us "There is nothing worse than reality fucking television, I haven't watched any today, but I can tell you with 100% certainty that some fame hungry, desperate loser nobodies have said absolutely fucking nothing today on one, possibly all of those fucking bollocks shows"
Two absolute fucking nobodies today spoke for a long time about nothing of substance on an absolutely appalling TV show today. Experts are not sure if it was on ITV or Channel 5 or Channel 4, but they are sure it happened.
Professor James Kardashian told us "There is nothing worse than reality fucking television, I haven't watched any today, but I can tell you with 100% certainty that some fame hungry, desperate loser nobodies have said absolutely fucking nothing today on one, possibly all of those fucking bollocks shows"
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It recently came to light that legendary WWE colour commentator Jerry "The King" Lawler has been involved in domestic violence disputes with girlfriend Lauryn McBride.
Sources have confirmed that Lawler has since been suspended indefinitely from his position at the announce table, and fellow superstars have expressed their disappointment at The King's actions. 73 stone Barry Fatman today screamed his disapproval of top level athlete Raheem Sterling's ability to play football, all the while asserting without a hint of irony that he indeed could do better.
"I don't understand what he brings to the side to be honest with you, I could have finished that chance, seriously. What are you laughing at? Well, I played football once at school, but that was only because the canteen was closed." Dark Souls 4 Considered To Be ‘Hardest Game In Series’ By E3 Attendees, Quests Involve Getting Laid15/6/2016 This past week saw thousands of video game enthusiasts line up to play the same game they’ve played already, this time with ‘better graphics’, at the biggest games expo in the world. E3 offers gamers first glimpses at brand new titles, has guest speakers from every major production company, and most importantly of all: has the biggest announcements in the industry.
Channel Four today pulled out of their decision to copy Sky by setting up a date between a man and a transgender woman without informing the man. In a premise incredibly similar to Sky's show 'There's something about Miriam' where men competed to win a date with a pre op transexual, Channel Four aped this when they set up a date between 'uncomfortable man' and Kellie Maloney. A Channel Four spokesman commented on the pulling of the episode "We just didn't have the balls, because you know, Kellie is post op"
WalMart today revealed that their customer services were unable to deal with the heavy load of returns from attendees of the E3 conference that was held in Los Angeles. Customer service worker Katherine Heigl said "I couldn't believe it, we opened at 9 and before I knew it we were swamped with people who looked just like that fat slob I had to kiss in Knocked Up, remember that? I used to be a movie star. Anyway, they were bring back boxes and boxes of unopened condoms, it was crazy. Like they all thought they were going to get laid, but not one of them had any kind of action, not even a posh one. Nothing."
EA Sports have this week set the price for this years idiot tax at a whopping £900. The tax set to be paid on the 29th of September is a well known stealth tax that they have been implementing since 1994. Our man at E3, Gasher Owens, got this quote from EA's head of marketing Louis Fer "Since 1994 we have been charging idiots, or football fans, a tax to help us achieve our goal of being really fucking rich. It's set at £900 this year, while that seems a lot you have to understand it will have a base cost of £50, so not everyone has to pay that amount, it is an average because the more of an idiot you are, the more you will pay. We call it 'Ultimate Team' it's really quite innovative."
Hooligans from Russian and England have been tapped up by UFC President Dana White to headline the card at UFC 201 on July 30th. At a press conference in Atlanta, White announced his decision to a packed audience "I have decided that at UFC 201 the headline fight will be between Russia and England. I know that both fighters are unknown in MMA circles, but I know that the English will bring big pay per view buy rates from that side of the pond and listening to the Russians talk will make more sense than Conor McGregor does. It's a win-win for all concerned really."
One time innovative director Kevin Smith today woke up from a 20 year coma at his home in America. Surrounded by his comic books and Jason Mewes, the director, who is also an extra in most of his films, woke up with a splutter and shouted "Holy shit Jay, I have got the best idea. We should do a TV series sequel to Mallrats."
Seemingly unaware of every abomination he has released since his 1995 film, which was reviewed by critics, Smith continued "We should build on the hype from the theatre release, only hopefully the series will increase VHS sales." Link Discovered Between Housing Price Collapse And England Flags Hanging From Bedroom Windows11/6/2016 Across Britain this week, the news of a housing price collapse came as a shock. It was as unexpected as any economic downturn, especially as it is considered the first real collapse in several years. Economic experts have been theorising since the news broke, and have now confirmed that tacky England flags are the culprits responsible.
'We've all seen them,' said housing price expert Michael Fairfax. 'They look like shit, and they're usually hanging from the bedroom window of a high-rise flat with weed smoke coming out of it.' |
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November 2016
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