Hundreds of weary adults today disconnected their doorbells in anticipation of children dressed up like cunts demanding sweet confectionery goods from them. Creepy old man, Simmy Javile said "It's strange, all year kids run away when I offer them sweets but every year on this date they come to me asking for sweets. I'm a man of principle though so I tell them to fuck off!"

Polish police today arrested Roman Polanski after he attempted to have sex with the 13 years Shaker Aamer spent in Guantanamo Bay. Police are bemused as to how Polanski attempted to sleep with a time frame, but the rumours coming out of the Policja is that is something to do with it being 13.

​In a move that has shocked the world the Chinese Communist party have changed the law regarding the number of children families can have. A spokesman from the party confirmed the move "If we want to force the world to assimilate... erm, what I mean to say is, we have a drastic need to fill the job market with fresh workers" 

Prince Harry has met US First Lady Michelle Obama during a visit to the US to promote the Invictus Games.
Unfortunately the Prince caused a minor international incident after he asked the First Lady where the best place to buy a couple of slaves from was.

Foul Entertainment can exclusively reveal the newest actor to play the role of James Bond. Eon Productions  have cemented Whoopi Goldberg as the next actor to play the iconic spy, cementing a four-film deal which will carry the franchise into 2024.  

Germaine Greer today admitted she doesn't really know what the fuck she is on about, but will keep telling women everywhere what to think because it is the only way people will continue to buy her books.

"I mean I said something before about ovary transplants being the only way to make transgender women actually women, conveniently ignoring how dangerous that procedure would be. It's mainly because second wave feminists couldn't give a shit about my out dated views anymore so I needed to open myself up to the bigot market"

The World Health Organisation today recommended everyone convert to Judaism or Islam if they want to live past the age of 50. The controversial statement was delivered at 10:33 AM on the steps of the WHO headquarters in Bognor Regis. Our source inside the WHO said the timing was so that McDonalds could still get one extra day of breakfast revenue.

When pressed for a comment by our press officer a representative from the WHO said "Are you calling for a booking? What? No you've got the wrong WHO mate, we're a fucking band."

Police were called to the Staples Center in Los Angeles today after a disturbance broke out during a sporting event. Twenty one men and five women were arrested on the scene after a spectator at the event dialled 911. 

Michael Hickenbottom said "It was crazy, I was sitting there watching the show with a sign that said 'Cena is fucking average' when people started punching each other, there was this huge cage around them and it was just carnage. It was insane, these men were beating on each other, then one would fall over for a minute, then get up as though nothing had happened and carry on beating on the other guy. It was as though it was all fake and scripted or something"

In a shocking reveal from declassified documents, the actual cause of death of Randy Rhoads has finally been uncovered. New evidence has surfaced, and some of Randy’s closest confidants have since come forward with further details.

The former Ozzy Osbourne guitarist, rumoured to have died in a plane crash in 1982, was actually seen engaging in sexual congress with Sharon Osbourne on the night of his untimely death.

The TalkTalk boss says she has had an email demanding a ransom from a hacker group claiming responsibility for the recent hack on the company. 

Chief executive Dido, of Eminem's Stan fame, said she did not know whether the ransom email was genuine.

"The hackers have sent an email asking for us to actually provide a service as good as our catchy adverts, unfortunately I couldn't verify the email address because my WiFi signal dropped so I don't know if it is real or not."
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