EA Sports have this week set the price for this years idiot tax at a whopping £900. The tax set to be paid on the 29th of September is a well known stealth tax that they have been implementing since 1994. Our man at E3, Gasher Owens, got this quote from EA's head of marketing Louis Fer "Since 1994 we have been charging idiots, or football fans, a tax to help us achieve our goal of being really fucking rich. It's set at £900 this year, while that seems a lot you have to understand it will have a base cost of £50, so not everyone has to pay that amount, it is an average because the more of an idiot you are, the more you will pay. We call it 'Ultimate Team' it's really quite innovative."
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Hooligans from Russian and England have been tapped up by UFC President Dana White to headline the card at UFC 201 on July 30th. At a press conference in Atlanta, White announced his decision to a packed audience "I have decided that at UFC 201 the headline fight will be between Russia and England. I know that both fighters are unknown in MMA circles, but I know that the English will bring big pay per view buy rates from that side of the pond and listening to the Russians talk will make more sense than Conor McGregor does. It's a win-win for all concerned really."
One time innovative director Kevin Smith today woke up from a 20 year coma at his home in America. Surrounded by his comic books and Jason Mewes, the director, who is also an extra in most of his films, woke up with a splutter and shouted "Holy shit Jay, I have got the best idea. We should do a TV series sequel to Mallrats."
Seemingly unaware of every abomination he has released since his 1995 film, which was reviewed by critics, Smith continued "We should build on the hype from the theatre release, only hopefully the series will increase VHS sales." Link Discovered Between Housing Price Collapse And England Flags Hanging From Bedroom Windows11/6/2016 Across Britain this week, the news of a housing price collapse came as a shock. It was as unexpected as any economic downturn, especially as it is considered the first real collapse in several years. Economic experts have been theorising since the news broke, and have now confirmed that tacky England flags are the culprits responsible.
'We've all seen them,' said housing price expert Michael Fairfax. 'They look like shit, and they're usually hanging from the bedroom window of a high-rise flat with weed smoke coming out of it.' Jeremy Corbyn tonight made his biggest gaffe as Labour leader so far by refusing to punch unfunny twat Josh Widdecombe while appearing on The Last Leg. While Corbyn did show some potential to be a comedian if he leaves politics by easily being the funniest man on screen on the inexplicably popular show, his popularity has taken a huge dive due to his refusal to land one on the smug little bellend's nose.
Michael Moore today continued the habit of a lifetime by opening his fat mouth for one of two reasons. In between bites of a pie bigger than your head he shouted "I don't know why anyone in the UK would want to leave Europe. I mean, seriously I'm really uninformed about things. Those shitty films I make? I just make them up as I go along because I'm a talentless hack."
The interview had to be halted for seven hours after this quote while he order 13 full English breakfasts. In between bites Moore said the same thing "seriously, this is better than anything in America" In the wake of his recent lawsuit Ed Sheeran has called a press conference where he admitted to taking a photograph. "I did take a photograph, I will admit. A photograph of the music they wrote hahahaha! I'm so fucking rich now, I don't give a shit" the devious little bastard gloated as the members of the press walked in.
Paparazzi are primed ready to snap pictures of Johnny Depp celebrating his birthday with Stone Cold Steve Austin and Chris Brown. The trio are likely to be ripped to their tits on illicit booze and looking for some women to smack around. When asked about their evenings plans Stone Cold told our reporter "Hell if you want old Stone Cold to whip this sum bitches ass, gimme a hell yeah!" to which our reporter replied "Hell no"
Piers Morgan today managed to break the record for being a twat on consecutive days, with a grand total of 18696 days. The previous holder with 18695 days, also Piers Morgan, said "I'm very pleased for the new holder, me, because if anyone deserves to be in the Guinness Book Of Records, it's me"
The Andrew Marr show today was host to the greatest display of irony since Andrew Marr tutted about John Major's extra marital affair when John Major warned that Boris Johnson will sell off the NHS.
Major seemingly unaware that he himself sold off a great British institution during his time in Downing Street, was apoplectic with rage as he screamed at fellow adulterer that Boris Johnson was a "NHS selling cunt" and a "haystack haired wanker" |
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November 2016
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