Despite a strong campaign from the spineless mouths of the Remain campaign, it seems that in an attempt to please everyone, the argument to remain ultimately pleased no-one. The consensus of the country is to instead try out something which leaves the entirety of the UK in the dark whilst the Conservative government decides who gets to eat and get rich and who get's to continue to get poorer and starve for the next 10 years.
Following the months of build-up to the EU Referendum, the citizens of the United Kingdom have decided to leave the European Union, giving into baseless, factless scaremongering and have decided to ride a wave of racially-motivated blind patriotism right into a new depression.
Despite a strong campaign from the spineless mouths of the Remain campaign, it seems that in an attempt to please everyone, the argument to remain ultimately pleased no-one. The consensus of the country is to instead try out something which leaves the entirety of the UK in the dark whilst the Conservative government decides who gets to eat and get rich and who get's to continue to get poorer and starve for the next 10 years.
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Plate-Faced Prime Minister David Cameron has announced his forthcoming resignation in the wake of the victory of the Leave campaign in the EU Referendum. The dish-resembling Conservative Party leader announced his plans to leave his position this October, calling for a new Prime Minister to instigate the UK's separation from the EU.
The decision to plunge the country into uncertainty is not one that the platter-featured MP for Witney was backing, which has damaged his reputation within his own party. A new study from Cambridge University today revealed that telling your parents you are gay is easier than informing them you like wrestling.
Flamboyant hair stylist/ sous chef/ professor of stupid studies at Cambridge University Dr Julian VonCleef said "It's been something I thought for years but had never been able to prove. This research is a smoking gun for all people who have suffered at the hands of wrestlophobes. It's terrible, my Dad has walked in on me performing fellatio on 3 men and not batted an eyelid, but if he knew that I am going to watch Money In The Bank tonight I think he would disown me." After rumours have been dogging her for almost a year that her career was at an all time low, even worse than before she began acting, Helen Mirren today confirmed that they were indeed true and her career was as good as over when she confirmed she would be taking a role in the latest installment of The Fast And The Furious.
Two absolute fucking nobodies today spoke for a long time about nothing of substance on an absolutely appalling TV show today. Experts are not sure if it was on ITV or Channel 5 or Channel 4, but they are sure it happened.
Professor James Kardashian told us "There is nothing worse than reality fucking television, I haven't watched any today, but I can tell you with 100% certainty that some fame hungry, desperate loser nobodies have said absolutely fucking nothing today on one, possibly all of those fucking bollocks shows" It recently came to light that legendary WWE colour commentator Jerry "The King" Lawler has been involved in domestic violence disputes with girlfriend Lauryn McBride.
Sources have confirmed that Lawler has since been suspended indefinitely from his position at the announce table, and fellow superstars have expressed their disappointment at The King's actions. 73 stone Barry Fatman today screamed his disapproval of top level athlete Raheem Sterling's ability to play football, all the while asserting without a hint of irony that he indeed could do better.
"I don't understand what he brings to the side to be honest with you, I could have finished that chance, seriously. What are you laughing at? Well, I played football once at school, but that was only because the canteen was closed." Dark Souls 4 Considered To Be ‘Hardest Game In Series’ By E3 Attendees, Quests Involve Getting Laid15/6/2016 This past week saw thousands of video game enthusiasts line up to play the same game they’ve played already, this time with ‘better graphics’, at the biggest games expo in the world. E3 offers gamers first glimpses at brand new titles, has guest speakers from every major production company, and most importantly of all: has the biggest announcements in the industry.
Channel Four today pulled out of their decision to copy Sky by setting up a date between a man and a transgender woman without informing the man. In a premise incredibly similar to Sky's show 'There's something about Miriam' where men competed to win a date with a pre op transexual, Channel Four aped this when they set up a date between 'uncomfortable man' and Kellie Maloney. A Channel Four spokesman commented on the pulling of the episode "We just didn't have the balls, because you know, Kellie is post op"
WalMart today revealed that their customer services were unable to deal with the heavy load of returns from attendees of the E3 conference that was held in Los Angeles. Customer service worker Katherine Heigl said "I couldn't believe it, we opened at 9 and before I knew it we were swamped with people who looked just like that fat slob I had to kiss in Knocked Up, remember that? I used to be a movie star. Anyway, they were bring back boxes and boxes of unopened condoms, it was crazy. Like they all thought they were going to get laid, but not one of them had any kind of action, not even a posh one. Nothing."
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November 2016
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