‘Instead of coming in a case like every other game, each disc of Dark Souls IV has been hidden somewhere in a box full barbed wire and leeches. If you can find one of these boxes and manage to extract the disc, congratulations: you have sustained serious hand injuries.’
‘Once you’ve undergone surgery to fix you’re now-surely broken hands, you can load the disc into your preferred console.’
‘But not so fast there, old chap! Not just any PS4 or Xbox One will do. In fact, the only consoles capable of sustaining the extreme FPS and digital rendering of Dark Souls IV are the ones we had specially built for Hulk Hogan. Tracking down Hogan could take a while, and being allowed anywhere near his house will prove challenging for most, especially non-whites.’
‘Once you’re inside Hogan’s house, you’re almost at the Dark Souls IV menu screen! But next comes the tricky part: Hogan’s house has no electricity. He doesn’t trust it. You will need to completely re-wire Hulk Hogan’s house to the status of a fully-functioning electrical capabilities, so be sure to bring your toolbox!’
‘Still with me? Good. So you’ve come this far. You’re a hardcore gamer who also happens to be a white, limp-handed electrician. Congratulations. Put the disc in the console, buddy! Welcome to the new Dark Souls.’
‘Entered your name and your stupid gamertag? Well, get ready. The first Dark Souls IV quest involves you turning off the game, leaving Hulk Hogan’s house and finding the nearest bar. You will need to chat up at least one semi-good looking woman and have sex with her sometime within the next three months. We rigged up Hogan’s consoles to only progress the game once the smell of vagina has been detected.’
Dark Souls IV is due for release in the summer. A limited edition release is expected early next year in which all of the discs come laced with anthrax.