"I know I let everyone down by completely selling out my morals when I was Mr Cameron's personal assistant, but I think I am in a good position to tell everyone what they should think because I did go to parliament three times, I even brought in some doughnuts when they were all talking about the EU in Mr Cameron's office. So it's with all of this information made available to you that I think we should have a general election, because if there is one thing that the British public is known for it is that they love voting for things."
Former personal assistant to former Prime minister David Cameron, Nick Clegg today expressed opinions that he is completely unqualified to express.
"I know I let everyone down by completely selling out my morals when I was Mr Cameron's personal assistant, but I think I am in a good position to tell everyone what they should think because I did go to parliament three times, I even brought in some doughnuts when they were all talking about the EU in Mr Cameron's office. So it's with all of this information made available to you that I think we should have a general election, because if there is one thing that the British public is known for it is that they love voting for things."
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Last week, pubs and living rooms of working class people alike were awash with disappointment when England were knocked out of the European Cup by Iceland in a victory most rational people should have expected. The whole country has been in disarray since, with many desperate football fans claiming to be a tenth Welsh so that they don't have to admit they were fools to think England would be anything other than disappointing.
However, Dennis Miller from Huddersfield has been preaching his profound love of his country in pubs, at work and at his home, claiming that "Eng-er-land" are still going "score one more than you", despite their exit from the competiton. Facebook CEO Mark Gruffalo today confirmed that the new changes to the Facebook algorithm would guarantee that complete fucking idiots would appear at the top of your newsfeed.
"I've been tweaking it for a while, and no matter what I did there were always fucking idiots at the top. I really can't work out why that is, so in the end I went with the old tech adage, it's not a bug it's a feature that cunts always appear on the top of your newsfeed." Orange Is The New Black star Danielle Brooks was surprised when her racially charged tweet caused a race-related shitstorm on Twitter.
The 26 year old actress, who plays the stupidly named 'Taystee' Jefferson on the Netflix showed tweeted out "I hate when gate agents look at me like I've never flown first class and say 'You're in first class, lucky you!' really tho." to her almost 270 thousand Twitter followers, thinking none of them would react to her implication of racism, in what has been called the most near-sighted decision since Helen Kellar was given a bomb disposal job. Thousands of dribbling virgins today died after finding out something they were already pretty sure of about Game of Thrones. The well received show, which seems to have a crossover audience of non virgins, gave the reveal in the season six finale that George R R Martin had actually had sex with a woman.
There was chaos in the European parliament today as Nigel Farage shocked the entire room by reverting to type and acting exactly the same as he always has. Farage explained to the Guardian afterwards "I'm just a normal bloke like you, I go to the pub, I smoke fags, I let my wife wear a strap on a fuck me from behind, and the EU don't like it when I tell them the truth. Especially that last one."
Following England's defeat to Iceland this evening in the last 16 of this years EUFA European Championship, football fans are calling for a second referendum that will see the UK leave all European competitions.
The decision comes most UK teams failed to even reach the quarter finals, when Scotland failed to have any impact at all, Ireland as a whole equally lost in two separate matches and England performed their favourite trick of raising everyone's hopes and dashing them early so the players can get their fill of prostitutes before they go home to their wives. In a completely expected result England today lost to budget frozen supermarket chain Farmfoods. "It was always going to be a difficult game today, we were going in there as favourites but as you know underdogs tend to raise their game and make things difficult for you. I told the lads before the game to keep things simple and to go out there and play." said Farmfoods manager Victor Fries.
Tony Blair today advocated a second referendum on leaving the EU to a packed Dog and Guns pub in West Bromwich. "Friends" a visibly inebriated Blair started "I know what you are thinking, the voting is over now, we never need to wear a shirt again, but let me ask you this, is it worth it? We need to vote again, and we need to vote remain, because while you may well manage to get rid of the Poles and Romanians, petrol is going to be £1.40 a fucking litre, and that just isn't on!"
David Lammy today called on Parliament to stop asking him to sing Ace Of Spades for them. "It's the Northern MPs mainly" Lammy told us "Me and the other Southern MPs haven't heard of Motorhead." As well as this uphill struggle, Lammy is also recommending that Parliament ignore the EU referendum results in a slightly more realistic desire "Again it's the Northern MPs, they're just really uneducated, some of them didn't even go to Oxford! And Motorhead? I thought that was what my secretary did when I drive around in my massive fucking Bentley"
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November 2016
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