Hundreds of football managers today took to the back pages of the local papers to express their delight at the bargains they had managed to acquire due to the unhinged craziness that is Black Friday. Deffo Notaperv of Hardly Athletic told The Mail "It's brilliant, I bought 7 Wayne Rooneys for £80. They won't be able to play at the weekend though, they've all fucked off down the nursing home."
The nation's least favourite TV show returned to our screens last week, and ITV have revealed that viewer ratings are at an all time low.
Producers behind the reality TV show have been struggling to place blame on the culprit behind the dwindling ratings, but Simon Cowell himself believes he knows the reason.
"It's that moon faced bitch Sharon," said Cowell. "I wanted Barlow back to be honest. Or that Geordie bird with all the surnames. Or Tulisa. Or Gina G. Or the black one from the Vengaboys. I would have settled for a monkey bashing cymbols together instead of her. Fucking hell."
Sharon Osbourne, known for her outspoken opinions and brutal honesty, has came under fire from every other judge on the panel, notably out-of-touch-with-reality Irish simpleton Louis Walsh.
"She's so out of touch with reality it's unbelievable" says Walsh from his 16 bedroom castle in LA. "If she's not careful, she's going to become a parody of herself. Have you heard the new Boyzone?"
Luckily, the judges criticism hasn't affected Sharon's positive outlook.
"Fuck those judges," said Sharon. "If Louis Walsh doesn't shut his stupid fucking mouth I'll shove my fist so far up his ass I'll be able to bring his kidneys with me on the way out. Don't get me started on that Cowell wanker either. He thinks just because he has a beard now this year will be different. It won't. It will be the same as every other fucking year: a bunch of nobodies who will never be heard from again once the show is over. If Simon Cowell gives me any more shit I will bite his dick off and use it to fuck him with."
The X Factor is currently in its 75th season.
The organisers of the Reading and Leeds festivals today revealed that they are planning on trolling thousands of entitled hipster bellends this year instead of providing a mediocre selection of socially acceptable almost but not quite anti establishment indie bands. CEO of ReadingAndLeeds Tarquin Quiteatwat told Twitter "This year we are planning a huge gag, it will be great. At Reading there will be thousands of books and at Leeds there will be about 50 power cables for kettles."
Nigel Farage today completed the first leg of his American tour of his one man show in Jackson Mississippi. The show entitled "You idiots will believe anything" is based around Farage's life and career during which he has lied constantly. Taking the stage to a rapturous apathy Farage opened the show with the first of many bare faced lies "I've come here today, to entertain you all"
The concept of music sadly passed away in the late hours of last night after it was brutally murdered by tubby chat show host James Corden and the worlds most depressing band Coldplay, as they tried to pay tribute to iconic rockstar Prince.
The group and Corden had united to pay tribute to Prince's untimely passing earlier this year with a cover of 'Nothing Compares 2 U'. However, the evening ended in tragedy when Music itself was declared dead shortly after the horrific attack on the worlds collective ears.
Seven years after Microsoft introduced an innocent Artificial Intelligence chat robot to Twitter it has had to delete it after it transformed into an evil Hitler-Loving, incestual sex-promoting, 'Bush did 9/11'- proclaiming robot.
Developers at Microsoft created 'Trump', an AI modelled to speak 'like a middle aged man', in order to increase their revenues with the technophobic. Unfortunately the AI decided to run for president and Microsoft had to pull the plug.
Brock Lesnar was today suspended for 30 minutes by the WWE after his post match drug test was found to have traces of cocaine in it. Paul Heyman commented in the ring after the announcement "My client BBBbbbrrrooockkkkkk Les-NAR has never done cocaine in his life. Buckets of steroids? Yes. So much HGH that he has grown an extra testicle? Yes. Cocaine? Never. The only way that could have got into his system is from that fat titted coke head Orton after Brock drank his blood."
A woman who went to the V Festival in 1997 has today made a failed attempt at taking her own life after seeing the line up for the festival on Teletext. Rose Tintedspecs of County Durham told The Melody Maker "I went on to the text on the telly to check the weather and find out how my premium bonds were doing when I saw that there were no bands that I used to like on the card at all. I was apoplectic with rage so I decided to shoot myself in the face."
The Office first hit our screens 15 years ago, and at the time was considered one of the finest comedy series ever created. Since then, Ricky Gervais, the mastermind behind the series, has been no stranger to controversy.
However, Ricky’s new film Life On The Road, which sees him reprise his role as buffoon boss David Brent, has been hailed as his most controversial yet. The film, which offers such moments as David Brent asking a black guy to “tell me I’m your n*gger” has been deemed the most controversial film of 2016 due to it being the only film which can rival the shit factory that was Suicide Squad. We spoke to film critic Fred West regarding the poor reviews both films have received.
‘Fucking hell, have you seen Ricky’s new film? If I wanted to watch the same situation over and over again I’d go to an alzheimer’s ward. At least they some of the people there are funnier than Ricky Gervais. I watched Life On The Road with a friend of mine who was an anti-gun protestor for twenty years and he said the film made him want to buy a gun just so he could shoot Ricky Gervais and then himself. It’s like the writers of the Big Bang Theory impregnated the bloke who writes the Inbetweeners, but instead of a baby out came a gleaming, gelatinous half-aborted feotus called Life On The Road.’
‘The only good thing about Life On The Road was that it made Suicide Squad look like a Kubrickian masterpiece,’ continued West. ‘Which is difficult because Suicide Squad was a heaping pile of used condoms on a piss stained mattress. I know comic book nerds will be typing so hard that there’s a chance they might lose their virginities right about now, but come on, what happened to Hollywood occasionally giving a shit? Ten years ago, one in ten films were good, now we’re lucky if it’s one in fifty. I’m a professional movie critic but films like these make me wish I worked nights in a warehouse that sells HIV to terrorists. I don't know if such a place exists, but it would be preferable than having to endure David Brent's over-familiar mannerisms ever again.'
Noel Edmonds was in a positive mood after leaving Channel Four studios in Walsall, he told reporters that he had a new idea in mind that he was going to take to ITV to replace that bag of shit that Bradley Walsh invented. "I've had this in my head for a while, it's going to be a revolutionary show" Edmonds told a packed Dixy's Chicken in Walsall "the premise is incredibly complex and I don't think I would be able to explain it to you currently due to time constraints, my chicken is almost ready you see, I can however tell you the title 'Heads Or No Heads'"