Nigel Farage today welcomed the news that only English MPs can vote on laws that affect England. After an intense debate in the House of Commons the proposal went through with a count of 312 to 270. Farage who wasn't there commented "If I had been there I would have voted for it as well, so really it is 313 to 270 isn't it" as though his opinion even fucking mattered.

One Million Moms today claimed that all kinds of fun lead to unabashed Satan worship.

In an open post on their optimistically named website they claimed that "fun makes you a play thing of the dark lord" and "Jim Henson probably sacrificed virgins and drank their blood"

Star Wars creator George Lucas has shocked Hollywood by re-acquiring the rights to Star Wars and immediately re-selling the rights to all future Star Wars endeavours to porn giants Brazzers.

The 71 year old film-maker was in the midst of a disagreement over merchandising rights with The Walt Disney Company when negotiations turned sour, resulting in Lucas using loopholes in the multi-million dollar sale of Lucasfilm to re-acquire the Star Wars brand. As a result, the upcoming 7th Star Wars movie, The Force Awakens, has been cancelled.

He’s no stranger to controversy, but this year’s decision on the winner of hit BBC programme The Apprentice might be the strangest choice yet.

Lord Sugar, famous for his witty catchphrases and no-nonsense approach to business, has declared himself the winner of this year’s show.

‘I’m contractually obliged to give two-hundred and fifty thousand notes to someone, so it may as well be me,’ said the billionaire.  

A US jury today ordered tech giant Apple to pay a £152m fine today for patent infringement. In a move that showed a giant disregard for the work of other people Apple used a patented microchip in some iPhones and iPads, not only without paying any kind of fee but without even asking! An Apple spokesman said after the case "While I understood they did all of the work researching and developing the chip, you have to understand how much work it took to steal this technology and bring it to such a wide audience, for a fee of at least $450"

The European and Russian space agencies announced plans to send a mission to the moon to assess its suitability for a settlement today. In a move which is guaranteed to cost an incredible amount of money at a time when food bank usage is at a record high all space agencies were heard to comment "fuck it, it's the moon!"