The former Ozzy Osbourne guitarist, rumoured to have died in a plane crash in 1982, was actually seen engaging in sexual congress with Sharon Osbourne on the night of his untimely death.
‘To Randy’s credit, he searched high and low for a rubber johnny that night. When our bus driver asked Randy why he didn’t just pull out, Randy, who at the time was smoking three cigarettes at once, boldly claimed ‘I’m not going in THERE bareback.’’
Randy’s excessive drug usage was widely documented throughout his short lived career, but even he had his boundaries.
‘There was this one time when Randy injected heroin into his japs eyes for a laugh. Another time Ozzy dared him to pour cocaine in his eyes. Randy was fearless when it came new ways to experiment. No depraved act could phase him. Or so we thought, anyway.’
Recently-declassified documents from a coroner’s office in Orlando, Florida were discovered claiming that Randy Rhoads had died of ‘extrema lassitudine dick’, or extreme dick fatigue. The documents bore no evidence of the supposed plane crash which is claimed to have taken his life.
‘What we believe is that Randy was looking for that next high, but went too far. It eventually led him to a painful, agonising death from severe lacerations and burning. Much like the official story of him joy-riding a plane and crashing,’ said the inside source.
Rumours of Randy and Sharon Osbourne sleeping together have been rife since the incident thirty years ago, but has constantly been denied by officials.
‘All we know is that something went on between the two that night. Randy foolishly went balls deep inside Sharon, and he never lived to tell the tale. It just goes to show, every man has his limits. I just wish that one of us had a rubber johnny on us that night, and maybe Randy would still be here today.’
Sharon Osbourne was unable to be reached for questioning.
Ozzy was contacted, but we couldn’t understand a word he said.