Facebook users have been rejecting the popularity of the new game Pokemon Go this week, by posting memes that show they have never once had fun in their life, don't have friends and are angry, bitter people who probably don't see their families because they're all pretending to be dead so they don't have to speak to their sandy vaginas.
The stock price of Durex condoms today fell to an all time low after noted shagger finally left the ITV2 show Love Island. The show which ended two days ago has been the best in the series history due to the addition of popular internet superstar Jary of the incredibly popular FoulENT website. In an exclusive interview with site troll Frank King, Jary said "It was class. I only went there to shag a couple of birds and I ended up winning and staying on the island shagging one of the directors."
Pokemon Go is the latest craze that is taking the world by storm. The game combines virtual reality with the hit Japanese franchise which most people thought ended years ago but apparently hasn’t, in a unique experience which allows the user to see Pokemon as though they were in the real world.
Locations of most Pokemon depend on the time of day the user is playing, however the rarest of Pokemon are hidden in specific locations throughout the world, causing die hard fans to go to extreme, and often dangerous lengths to capture the hard-to-find creatures.
Paul Heyman today went into a shocking rant at UFC 200. Speaking after Lesnar's win in Las Vegas the former Paul E. Dangerously shouted "My client, Brock Lesnar today has proven why he is the best fighter in the world. I want to thank Dana White for booking him to win this match, although it would have been a lot better if it had been a clean win via an F5. My client will now go back to the real world of wrestling where he will have to train incredibly hard to beat Randy Orton in what will be the fight of his life."
When asked about Mark Hunt, Heyman responded "That jobber? Mark Hunt? More like Mark Cunt."
Southern Rail CEO Alvin Hitler has today given a defiant statement to the rail travelling public "You stupid bastards, just give me your fucking money" Mr Hitler started his speech at the National Trainspotter Gala Awards Dinner "This is just the start, by this time next year I will be running just one train service a day and it will cost £12,000 for a single and £24,000 for a return. That's right, no fucking discount you bastards."
Tony Blair today managed to get away with murder for the 13th year in a row. When asked if he was happy that he had managed to get away with the latest charges pointed towards him Blair replied "I don't really give a fuck, I don't wear sandals or have a beard, I'll never go to jail for the utterly terrible crimes I've committed, and if you don't like it, then you can suck on my massive cock. And it is massive, I assure you that I do not disrespect the views of those in opposition to mine, but we must hold firm in the belief that my cock is fucking massive."
The whole of Wales tonight breathed a huge sigh of relief as they were knocked out of Euro 2016 by Portugal. After two weeks of pretending to like football just to rub it in their English enemies faces, most of the country were exhausted and a run to the final may have ended up cutting the population in half.
Welsh rugby fan Gareth Bumfancier commented "Oh do you isn't it boyo, I don't even like football, but it's always nice to get one over on those horse fucking English isn't it! Gareth Bale! He hits a good penalty kick but the skinny wimp keeps hitting it under the posts isn't it."
History was made today when Kenneth Clarke was caught on camera telling the truth. Clarke quickly attempted to remedy the situation when he realised he was being filmed claiming that they were "just opinions and not facts, opinions don't count as the truth, everyone knows that"
Sky reporter Lou Cifer said afterwards "Clarke shocked the whole news room when he told the truth, we'd never heard it before from a politician, or in general really because you know, we work for Rupert Murdoch"
Boris Johnson today shared his opinion on what people should do again. Johnson who had his passport in one hand, a ticket to New York in the other and a massive fucking sombrero on his head told our reporter "Well, I mean erm, the British public know what is best and I erm trust them to make the correct choice for me, erm I mean for them. Just make sure Andrea is the new leader, I will be back to take over in five years or so, erm unless Cameron fucks me again!"
Across America today, people are celebrating the anniversary of their country achieving independence from the British Empire in an American tradition which has been going on for over 200 years.
But in some college campuses, attention-seeking crybabies are trying to ruin everything yet again.
According to Sarah Flat-Chest from Ohio, "Independence Day completely excludes the LGBT community. It's aimed primarily at straight people, and frankly we've had enough."