Kenneth Clarke Becomes First Politician To Tell The Truth

History was made today when Kenneth Clarke was caught on camera telling the truth. Clarke quickly attempted to remedy the situation when he realised he was being filmed claiming that they were "just opinions and not facts, opinions don't count as the truth, everyone knows that" 

Sky reporter Lou Cifer said afterwards "Clarke shocked the whole news room when he told the truth, we'd never heard it before from a politician, or in general really because you know, we work for Rupert Murdoch"

Clarke, who was talking to Malcolm Rifkind, shared his opinions on the candidates for the Conservative leadership vote.

On Stephen Crabb he said "He is the one I will most likely vote for, not being he is any good but because he is closest to not being a wanker."

On Liam Fox he said "Who the fuck is he? I mean really, he's probably a sconner"

On Andrea Leadsom he commented "We had a thing a while back, she sucks dick like a champ, but she can't really be the leader of the party because she has got shit tits. Shtits."

On Theresa May he said "She's a right cunt. Especially when she's on her rag. Fucking hell, like a wasp caught in a bear trap."

On Michael Gove he said "He's just an ugly bastard isn't he. And that's coming from me!"