Ian McShane today took to his personal website, hansolodiesinthenewstarwars.com, to hit back at the people admonishing him for revealing details about the new series of HBO mega show Game of Thrones. "I don't give even the tiniest little shit about those nerds" he began, "let's be honest, their lives are just tits and dragons. Just without the tits."
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Jared Fogle today held a press conference to the inmates of Cell Block 8C informing them that he has put weight on, after the increase of 12 inchers entering his mouth. And anus.
Sources from a Johannesburg prison have today revealed that Oscar Pistorious has been getting drunk on prison bath-house booze and revealing a diferent side of his personality to fellow inmates. Rumours say that Oscar has been indulging in his drink of choice - Oscar's Bathroom Shots - and making a fool of himself in the communal showers.
David Cameron today admitted that he was bombing Syria purely to necessitate the bombing of Syria.
"Look" Cameron said, while shifting his head to the side "I'm not bombing Syria because I want to, I'm bombing them because if I don't then I can't bomb Syria."
Hundreds of thousands of racists today liked a picture on Facebook of a caricature of what appears to be Al Jolson during his now accepted as incredibly racist black and white minstrel days. In a show of irony that most of them were completely unaware of they bombarded a picture that said this isn't racist, with racist comments.
One user, known only as "Mikey Plums" said "vis is neva racist, and if any black cunt finks it is, i wil fite im in tha fevas"
The makers of the popular card game 'Cards Against Humanity' once again pranked their customers on Black Friday by selling them absolutely nothing. A spokesman from the company ingeniously named 'Cards Against Humanity LLC' had this to say "We didn't prank anyone. We told them they were getting nothing, and they did. It's funny because I used most of the money to buy a suit of armour and then gave some charity for spastics $50. Awesome right?"
Anonymous today hacked over 5000 ISIS Twitter accounts in an attack that most people are calling "fucking hilarious". An Anonymous spokesman told us that "this is only the start, those 72 virgins plan on taking suicide pills so they can bum them again in the afterlife"
Despite the general consensus, Mondays are officially NOT our least productive day in the office. Studies have shown that workplace motivation is at its lowest point at the very middle of the week. A Wednesday afternoon.
However, steel company Caparo in the West Midlands have managed to combat the mid-week blues by initiating a rather intuitive scheme to their workforce.
A local racist has today decided to change his Facebook profile picture to one with the French flag superimposed over his grinning bald head.
"I mean I hate the French, don't get me wrong. Just last week I posted a picture about an old bloke not being able to find any Frenchmen to show his passport to on D-Day."
In a shocking excerpt from his tell all book, Jihadi John: My Favourite Meat Islam, Jihadi John has revealed that the afterlife is pretty sweet, except that Fred West has buried away all the best virgins. Literally!
"I got here as a holy martyr, thinking that I would get serious treatment, you know like Hugh Hefner gets, but it turned out that basically religion got a few things wrong. For starters, anyone who murders Westerners gets to go to Muslim heaven. So Harold Shipman and Hitler are the big daddies here. Fred West though, he is a proper selfish bastard. Everytime a new virgin comes up, he picks them up in his van and buries them under his porch! I've got nuts like tins of fussels milk!" |
News ShortsActual news stories by the FoulENT team. Archives
November 2016
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