In a shocking excerpt from his tell all book, Jihadi John: My Favourite Meat Islam, Jihadi John has revealed that the afterlife is pretty sweet, except that Fred West has buried away all the best virgins. Literally!
"I got here as a holy martyr, thinking that I would get serious treatment, you know like Hugh Hefner gets, but it turned out that basically religion got a few things wrong. For starters, anyone who murders Westerners gets to go to Muslim heaven. So Harold Shipman and Hitler are the big daddies here. Fred West though, he is a proper selfish bastard. Everytime a new virgin comes up, he picks them up in his van and buries them under his porch! I've got nuts like tins of fussels milk!"
"I got here as a holy martyr, thinking that I would get serious treatment, you know like Hugh Hefner gets, but it turned out that basically religion got a few things wrong. For starters, anyone who murders Westerners gets to go to Muslim heaven. So Harold Shipman and Hitler are the big daddies here. Fred West though, he is a proper selfish bastard. Everytime a new virgin comes up, he picks them up in his van and buries them under his porch! I've got nuts like tins of fussels milk!"
The utterly ridiculous ex-murderer continues "It's just not fair. He didn't kill for the cause like me, and he has got five acres of patio. I've got a couple of achers, but only because they are so full! I spent my life heartlessly murdering mostly innocent people for the glory of the merciful and loving Allah, and I get nothing but a massive house with a fridge full of beer and just one bird who does whatever I want. I tried complaining to Allah, but he said he was busy condemning people who draw pictures of his mate Mo to death."
The problem doesn't seem like ending either as John confirms in the next paragraph of his rant, in the chapter titled 'I Jihad a wank instead' "I tried killing Fred, because that is how I have always solved all of my problems, but no-one can die here. It's just not in, he lets me kill him, and then just gets up and says he will stop stealing the virgins tomorrow, but that's just an estimate"
The problem doesn't seem like ending either as John confirms in the next paragraph of his rant, in the chapter titled 'I Jihad a wank instead' "I tried killing Fred, because that is how I have always solved all of my problems, but no-one can die here. It's just not in, he lets me kill him, and then just gets up and says he will stop stealing the virgins tomorrow, but that's just an estimate"
RSS Feed
