The world of mental health was today blown away by the news that a suicidal man decided against committing suicide after watching The Suicide Squad. Sadab Outlife told our highly qualified journalists outside the Showcase at West Bromwich "It's pretty ironic really, I went there to get some tips about killing myself, I didn't know what the film was about you see, I mean I am clinically depressed and right on the edge, but I'm not enough of a loser to read comic books!"
The new CEO of Natwest Bank today told all of their business account holders to "suck it". Paul Levesque formerly of World Wrestling Entertainment Inc, made the bold statement on the day the bank confirmed plans to charge business account holders a fee to make deposits, making the accounts effectively negative interest, "Well-ah" Levesque started "I can-ah tell you all that you-ah need to start paying us to hold your money-ah. If you don't like it, I have two words for you. SUCK IT!" he finished while using his hands to chop the area where his genitals used to be before years of steroid abuse shrunk them beyond recognition.
Jeremy Corbyn today attempted to placate the renegade MPs within the Labour party with an offer of a fat blunt and a massive bag of doritos. Sources close to the rebel party members have said that this is "typical of that leftie pinko, but we'll still smoke the shit out of that bowl"
The WWE brand split was today thrown into disarray as neither side was willing to take Michael Cole as their play by play announcer. Smackdown commissioner Shane McMahon told Variety "I really don't want him anywhere near my show. It's bad enough I'm going to be stuck with Roman Reigns after all that drug taking he did, why should I have to have someone who sounds like they're high calling my show? Steph can have him, I'll get someone else to do it, not Roman though, he sucks at talking, just look at his promos!"
Noted bed hopping bellend Taylor Swift today took to the internet to call Kanye West a cunt. Posting from her Twitter account @SwiftyNoTits she said "Kanye West is a cunt". Swift who is known for her song writing skills, mainly about how she always gets dumped, and for punching Beyonce on stage and now it seems brevity and talking the absolute undisputed truth is what she is known best for.
A morbidly obese man today was getting so excited about the football season starting again he almost had a coronary. Gavin Greaseveins told revellers in the popular Dog and Guns pub "I am really looking forward to it lads. I'm gonna give that new striker some right old fucking hassle if he doesn't score a hat trick early doors. I don't know how they make so much money to be honest, I could do what I do."
Mikey Plums a regular of the pub was seen to be rolling his eyes before leaving early to shag Gavin's wife.
Multi trillionaire Bernard Matthews today declared he was expanding his vice like grip over all turkey products by instructing the military to undertake a coup of the country's government. Matthews told us "I'm tired of it, for years I have been building my turkey empire, sure we took a little dip when that little twat Jamie Oliver got rid of turkey twizzlers in schools, but now I'm back in charge of my country. Where I will sell fucking loads of turkey."
After the success of the pocket-sized NES system unveil this week, Nintendo has decided to reach a logical conclusion and launch a home-console sized version of the original Game Boy called the Mega Game Boy.
The world was today in complete shock as Katie Hopkins finally achieved her goal of becoming a God to the religion of cuntianity. While updating her Twitter to her followers or "disciples" Katie called for hatred and violence against all other religions as well as an end to tax for all millionaires.
"I really do hate all Muslims and I hate paying tax too." Hopkins said on Twitter.
Theresa May completed a reshuffle of her cabinet today in her first act as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. In a move that has shocked seven people in London she removed a number of complete arseholes from the cabinet and replaced them with another selection of complete and utter arseholes.
May told a crowded Downing Street "I didn't really have much to choose from, every single person involved in politics is an arsehole at the very least, I did make one change though, I chose a cunt to be Foreign Secretary."