Multi trillionaire Bernard Matthews today declared he was expanding his vice like grip over all turkey products by instructing the military to undertake a coup of the country's government. Matthews told us "I'm tired of it, for years I have been building my turkey empire, sure we took a little dip when that little twat Jamie Oliver got rid of turkey twizzlers in schools, but now I'm back in charge of my country. Where I will sell fucking loads of turkey."
Jamie Oliver commented "I didn't get rid of turkey twizzlers, I replaced the unhealthy menu with a large selection of healthy options, that none of the kids ate because they tasted like dog shit. Also, I took the turkey twizzlers home and ate them myself, because I am a fat cunt."
Local Turkish man Mehmet Goodmuslim told us "I am a good Muslim, I do not condone these attacks... oh you want to talk about the military coup, I think it is a good thing, surely now we can finally get cheap halal turkey for on our kebabs."
Local Turkish man Mehmet Goodmuslim told us "I am a good Muslim, I do not condone these attacks... oh you want to talk about the military coup, I think it is a good thing, surely now we can finally get cheap halal turkey for on our kebabs."
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