"For starters, HUAGH, all the black people I've met have been fabulously wealthy" said the iron lunged songsmith, "secondly I have got a right, HUAGH, fucking weapon in my pants if you know what I mean. My cock boyo, I've got a massive cock."
As the assembled press began to awkwardly stare at their feet, Jones got more and more animated "I first thought I could be black when I watched M*A*S*H, and there was a black guy in it named Jones. Then I noticed I could sing like a mother fucker, HUAGH, and obviously my outlandishly large penis."
"Then when I got famous all the black people I met were just like me, Aretha Franklin - super rich, Chuck Berry - super rich, Dr Dr Dre - super rich. It just kept happening. HUAGH, then me and Dre compared cocks and mine was bigger than his! I just knew, I had to be black."
"Huagh, have I mentioned my massive dick yet?"