Following on from their ridiculous application and even more ridiculous achievement of said application to trademark the words "should've" and "shouldve" Specsavers have moved to trademark the use of all kinds of glasses. A spokesman for the over charging optician told a postbox in Milton Keynes "It's all we can do to protect our business, we can't have people thinking of pubs when talking about glasses. I'm well aware that millions of people will lose their jobs, but look on the bright side, we offer free NHS eye tests to people on income support."

The American wrestling team have been disqualified from the Olympic games this afternoon after one of their competitors used a steel chair to incapacitate an opponent. Midway through the bout American Terry Bollea was held in a hammerlock when he reached to the outside of the mat, grabbed hold of a steel chair and wrapped it around the head of his opponent, the evil Russian wrestler Pullsya Bolloksov. 

Thousands of Sports Direct Warehouse workers are set to receive back pay adding up to £1 million after the government imposed sanctions on the "you get what you pay for" retailer. The payment deal is expected to not include any actual money, but be paid in waterproof walking jackets that the company had laying about in the warehouse. A spokesman for Sports Direct told us "While this may seem like a bad deal at first, you have to realise these coats can be sold for 5 times their mark up, so really we are giving these people £5 million. It isn't that hard to shift tons of poor quality cheap sports gear, we do it every day and Mike Ashley is worth billions!"

Addressing the crowd at his latest conference appearance Donald Trump was on fine form. "I am totally fed up of this constant harassment from the untalented hacks at Cracked.com. Every day I see another article on their website about me. It's as though they are running out of ideas and have to populate their site with bang average junk written by Mexicans. I am going to phone my very good friend Bill Gates and make him put up a firewall around the site and make them pay for it!" 

Cheering men at the Dog and Gun pub located on Thepen Islands today broke the world record for ignoring the rest of Great Britain. As Bradley Wiggins and the rest of the men's cycling team broke a world record, the third time competitors from Great Britain have managed it at the current olympic games. Barman Gordon Blur told our reporters "It's fucking great, England are back. We've won the olympics again, it makes me proud to be an Englishman, and not a fucking jock or taff, because they have never won anything."

Just minutes ago the Labour leadership debate took a nasty turn as Jeremy Corbyn finally broke his 'nice guy' charade and called Owen Smith a "speccy wanker" on stage. The crowd seemed shocked at first until the millitant left wing extremists who support Jeremy Corbyn (the Corbyn Communist Crew) lead a raucous round of applause which soon spread to the entire room. 

Ricky Gervais today admitted in an interview that he was not the mastermind behind his classic sitcom The Office or his mildly enjoyable follow up Extras. In an uncharacteristic gaffe Gervais accidentally told Ivan Trotsky of The Grauniad "Yeah I know the film is awful alright. It's like waiting to die of stomach cancer yeah. And then dying of it. Did you like that? That's my latest stomach cancer joke you see. Edgy isn't it. I have to be edgy now because ever since Karl started doing his own thing I don't have anyone to write funny things for me. Shit, this is off the record right?"

A Premier League footballer today showed a complete lack of self awareness previously only achieved by Donald Trump after he was caught on camera complaining to a homeless man that he had "only" had his wages increased by £25,000 this season. Speaking to The Guardian homeless man Harold Ramp said "I don't know what to say really, taking into consideration the life athletes live I suppose £25,000 isn't that much of an increase to your monthly pay packet if it is spread out over a year is it? A week? £25,000 a week? Are you taking the fucking piss? I ate potato peelings from round the back of Fanny's Batter in Torquay last week and he earns enough for a £25,000 increase to be a slap in the face? He didn't even give me 20p for a coffee!"