Jeremy Corbyn tonight made his biggest gaffe as Labour leader so far by refusing to punch unfunny twat Josh Widdecombe while appearing on The Last Leg. While Corbyn did show some potential to be a comedian if he leaves politics by easily being the funniest man on screen on the inexplicably popular show, his popularity has taken a huge dive due to his refusal to land one on the smug little bellend's nose.
Michael Moore today continued the habit of a lifetime by opening his fat mouth for one of two reasons. In between bites of a pie bigger than your head he shouted "I don't know why anyone in the UK would want to leave Europe. I mean, seriously I'm really uninformed about things. Those shitty films I make? I just make them up as I go along because I'm a talentless hack."
The interview had to be halted for seven hours after this quote while he order 13 full English breakfasts. In between bites Moore said the same thing "seriously, this is better than anything in America"
In the wake of his recent lawsuit Ed Sheeran has called a press conference where he admitted to taking a photograph. "I did take a photograph, I will admit. A photograph of the music they wrote hahahaha! I'm so fucking rich now, I don't give a shit" the devious little bastard gloated as the members of the press walked in.
Paparazzi are primed ready to snap pictures of Johnny Depp celebrating his birthday with Stone Cold Steve Austin and Chris Brown. The trio are likely to be ripped to their tits on illicit booze and looking for some women to smack around. When asked about their evenings plans Stone Cold told our reporter "Hell if you want old Stone Cold to whip this sum bitches ass, gimme a hell yeah!" to which our reporter replied "Hell no"
Piers Morgan today managed to break the record for being a twat on consecutive days, with a grand total of 18696 days. The previous holder with 18695 days, also Piers Morgan, said "I'm very pleased for the new holder, me, because if anyone deserves to be in the Guinness Book Of Records, it's me"
The Andrew Marr show today was host to the greatest display of irony since Andrew Marr tutted about John Major's extra marital affair when John Major warned that Boris Johnson will sell off the NHS.
Major seemingly unaware that he himself sold off a great British institution during his time in Downing Street, was apoplectic with rage as he screamed at fellow adulterer that Boris Johnson was a "NHS selling cunt" and a "haystack haired wanker"
After debating for what felt like fifteen hours on Sky, both sides of the Brexit argument have proven to the world they are both complete idiots. Stay campaigner Toffy Richcunt told our man on the scene "I just think that we need to stay. For starters Daddy has a business that sells burkas in Bradford. Do you think my private education was free? Because it wasn't, that is why I know so much more than you, and why we should stay"
A nineteen year old philosophy student at Leeds university has made his stance perfectly clear on Britain’s current EU crisis.
Derek Horne, who works part time in his local Argos stock room, is voting Britain out.
Former actor David Schwimmer was today forced to confirm to literally thousands of Facebook journalists that he was indeed alive. Ross from Friends told the assembled internet pranksters "I'm not fucking dead you virgins. I've been alive for years enjoying my money. Something you basement dwelling cunts know nothing about."
The normally mild mannered paleontologist seemed to explode at the mention of his death, possibly because he has been so quiet since he finally got to bang Jennifer Aniston in real life.
Not very well known complete bellend Jack Tweedy today admitted to making up stories with his unlikable wife before her death. Jade Goody, who was universally hated until she achieved redemption for all the terrible things she had done by getting cancer, was married to Tweedy before her death. In a not very shocking tweet he said that they regularly made shit up to get money, and in an ironic twist quite obviously lied that they got £30,000 a story.